My Final Post

I didn't realize when I first created this blog and named it "To Heal and Back", that one day I'd be back and all the healing would be behind me, and I would no longer need this blog. I think that time has come. I've healed and now I'm back, and as sad as it is to leave this blog behind, I'd much rather take this time to enjoy the new love I've found and the life that's ahead of me. I guess this blog was yet another piece of closure for me and it has served it's purpose. I realize that I will still have some bad days and floods of memories and tears may find me here and there and I'll allow myself to give into those moments. I'll take all that I've learned from this journey and continue to use it wisely. I sincerely thank the hundreds of people for peeking in and sharing my process with me. I hope that you have gained something from my writings. I hope you find successful healing for whatever suffering you may be going through.       I wish you peace.

This new person in my life is very good to me and very good for me. I am very happy and my heart is filled to capacity again. I'm so thankful that I've been able to share Sue with her. She's so very understanding and overall amazing. I know I have Sue's blessing. I'm back ... so I can now move forward.
Here I go......

Muscle Flexing

I’ve been challenged to write about muscles. Well, I do love a challenge!  If I’m to write about a specific muscle related to the theme of this blog, then that muscle would have to be the heart. And yes, I’ve looked it up – the heart can be considered both a muscle and an organ. So, the heart, like any other muscle needs a daily workout, can be hurt, broken and then will need extensive rehab in order to function properly again. I’ve been there and done that! My heart was exercised daily, then it ached for months and then it broke into pieces … barely beating at all - then, slowly but surely, it began to heal and mend, and it amazingly was able to put itself back together again.  Then I started a new routine of exercising it, until it got stronger and stronger and eventually strong enough to handle the full force of love again. I like seeing the heart as a muscle. As a muscle, we can have more control over its success or failure; less so with an organ. The heart is an amazing muscle, so strong and yet so fragile. I am in awe at how it can reject, recall and revive.

I overworked a few muscles the other day. I was sore for days, but it felt good. It's as though with every ache of that sore muscle it was really saying: thank you, thank you for the much needed workout. I plan to continue with this new workout regiment. I’m giving back to the physical-ness that carries me. I’m contributing a little bit, here and there, so it will last me that much longer. It’s an investment.
No pain, no gain!   Feel the burn!   Pass the Bengay!

Second Chances

I feel like I have come full circle, wrestled all my demons and evolved into this new skin I'm in. I've reconciled my doubt and stared down the face of my fears. I hold no regrets ... none that are large enough to mention. I carry no guilt or shame. I feel like a brand new person with a brand new life ahead of me. I've reconciled most, if not all, of the feelings that lingered from my prior life. I feel great! I feel eager to explore the adventures that lay before me. I take each new step with hope and excitement .... leaps and bounds of faith. Those who wish to travel this uncharted road with me are more than welcome to. Those who don't wish to join me, need to step out of my way. I will not let anyone or anything hinder my progress. I will climb over, veer around, tunnel under and quite possibly bore right through the obstacles. There's no stopping me now! To quote Chaka Khan: "I'm every woman, it's all in me"! This is my second chance at life (as a mature adult anyway).  This is my second chance with true love (now that I know what that is). Second chances do not imply that there will ever be a third or fourth chance.  A second chance, may actually be your final chance .... so, don't even think of waisting it. Grab on, hold tight, and don't let go until this life has come to a complete stop. I plan to ride this second chance until there is no breath left in me. I'm taking it all the way .... with all that I've got.

My mother-in-law, Sue's Mom, is losing her own battle with cancer right now.  Seeing her recently has reminded me of one of her prior hospital stays. I visited her as she was getting ready to go into surgery and she, I guess, felt that she would not survive it when she asked me if I had any message that she could pass on to Sue. I assured her that I had no message for Sue. I made it clear that Sue and I had never left anything unsaid. We always told each other how we felt about each other, every chance we had.

Tie-Dye Guy

I guess I'll have to do a little story telling for this post to be more understandable. Sue loved tie-dye! She was drawn to it, she wore it, she just loved it!  So, while preparing for our wedding, I decided to surprise her with a custom tie-dyed tuxedo shirt.  Not the bright rainbow colored fake tie-dye that can be seen from the space station (which she did wear and we all kinda hated) but a more dark and subdued tie-dye made up of dark purples, dark blues and a bit of dark red. It was my way of giving her what she wanted but still having it my way too. I think that qualifies as compromise? Or, is it controlling? Anyway, my next challenge was who could be trusted with this tie-dying task for such a special occasion?  Well, I have a good friend Christine, who acted as my tie-dye connection. She loves the little town of Guerneville and befriended David, who does all of his own tie-dying and has made many custom pieces for Christine. If she trusted him...then so did I.  I bought a tuxedo shirt (white, 100% cotton) and sent it to Christine, who then delivered it to David with my specific hand written instructions. Through Christine, I heard how truly honored David was to be asked to make a piece for such a special occasion. The shirt came out exactly as I expected and Sue was very pleased with her surprise. Of course it was only months later that Sue passed away and when Christine gave the news to David, she said he was absolutely devastated. We had never even met the guy but he was part of making our special day, perfect. His emotions were as if he had known us for years. He really cared for us, even if we were strangers. Well, this weekend I was invited to Guerneville to spend the weekend with friends, and finally, after two years, I got to meet David. I got to hug him (a few times) and give him a proper thank you for being a part of our special day, and for being an all around nice guy.  Another little piece of closure.

Pictured above is Sue in the tie-dyed tuxedo shirt, with her granddaughter Nataly, on the day of our double beach ceremony in Pacific Grove, CA on 10-25-08

David's shop address: Seconds First, 16365 Main St., Guerneville, CA (707) 869-2211

Star Struck

A falling star floats down and gently lands on your arm. A shooting star, on the other hand, shoots straight towards you and pleasantly pierces you in the heart. Although this particular star is nothing but gentle, she has struck me with the force of a comet, while rings of euphoria orbit around me and spin me, until I see stars. I like this planet I'm on. I enjoy walking through these clouds. This atmosphere is good for my soul. I'll be staying a while.

Happy Birthday Ms. Stahr!

The "C" Word

2010 walk team!

Breast cancer, colon cancer, ovarian cancer.... for me, the word "cancer" is so devastating that it no longer matters what words come before or after it. Even "cancer free" doesn't sound all that freeing to the mind ... you're still forever linked, scarred and leery. It's a very powerful word. A word so familiar, that I dare you to find a single person who has no connection to cancer. And when it attaches itself to someone, it attaches itself to many. It affects families, friends and futures. It does not discriminate between rich or poor, black or white, sinner or saint. My wife died of small bowel cancer, specifically, stage 4, Mucinous Andenocarcinoma of the intestines. I've tried to think of something just as powerful to combat it. Love? Well, if love was all it took, my wife would still be here. Money? Well, that just might work ... it certainly couldn't hurt. Is it possible to put enough money into treatments, options and research for cures? God, I hope so. As I type this, other families are going through what mine went through and I can't just sit by and let that happen. This year, I will once again be supporting my "other daughter" Onne, at the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer / San Francisco. Her walk team is called the 911 Angels because they are all part of San Jose Police Department's 911 call takers. As a team, we have been doing this for several years now. "We" - as in she does the training and walking and suffering and I write a check, show up, holler, cheer, clap, wave and cry (not necessarily in that order). Hey, we all play a part. Oh yeah, I even wear pink! And I have the pictures to prove it!  Here is the link for you to support however you see fit:   http://www.avonwalk.org/san-francisco/
Let's obliterate that "C" word once and for all! After all, we are all on the same side. Go Team!

Change

Listening to Sista Monica sing Ella's song "Change" the other night got me thinking of some big changes that are happening to me at this time. Changes that I'm ready for but wasn't quite expecting.

I was asked by a friend not too long ago (in a very loving way), that if I were to become involved with someone new, what was I going to do with the Sue pictures around the house?  Well, that was a very good question. At the time I said, "When the time comes that someone new has filled my heart, then I would have to respectfully put those photos away. But until that happens, those photos are the only relationship that I have." Well, now I seem to have become significantly impacted by someone very special. I think it's time for me to re-evaluate those photos. I'm definitely keeping the family photo of all of us at Jason's house .... that's a keeper! And maybe one on the fridge? This, in no way means that I'm getting rid of Sue. She will always be with me. She is part of me. She's all that's good about me and I refuse to separate from that. This new person in my life will hopefully understand and accept that. Change ... it's strange and sometimes necessary. It's exciting and a bit scary. I am at a place now, where I welcome this adventure with open arms. Wish me luck!    www.sistamonica.com/