To Make You Think

The ways of the world for me,
May not be the same as you see.
Is your reflection all that you want it to be?
... Go, be part of the change.

It bothers me, since mine was lost,
When others don't realize what they've got.
You can't always choose if you're a "have" or "have not".
... Acknowledge all your gifts.

Forever is not that far away,
And never is something you never should say,
And when all that is left, are the remains of the day
... You have to stop and think.

Happy V.D.!

Happy Valentine's Day!

I wish true love for those that haven't found it yet.  I wish for those who are in love, to show it everyday, so your partner never has any doubt about it. I wish for the resurgence of romance and chivalry. I wish there were more same-sex Valentine cards. I wish the chocolates that I eat, to support this holiday, wouldn't stick to my hips.

Valentine's Day was a big deal for Sue. Her favorite candy was Reese's peanut butter cups. I remember one year I bought a case of Reese's candy and spelled out "I Love You" in peanut butter cups! That was hard to top, but another year VD came shortly after an earthquake, so I went to the local Red Cross and bought their huge, bright red backpack filled with emergency supplies.  Hey, nothing really says I love you, quite like a family size first aid kit. Dare to be different! Think outside the box ..... it's fun!

For the record: I am very happy to report that I have a Valentine sweetie this year! Yay for me!

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!
XOXOXO

Life After Death

What I mean to say is: my life, after Sue's death, and a few, somewhat complicating factors, that have made themselves present. Let me preface this post by saying that I started writing this months ago, saved it, edited it, re-evaluated and altered it again and again, finally coming to this version. More simply stated; I've done a lot of self-analyzing around this.

1st point - The loss that I have finally come to terms with is now back to mess with my future relationships. The death of my wife is now the elephant in the middle of the room. Think about it. It's already hard enough to make friends and meet people, especially same sex attractions. And then there's this: Imagine if you were someone who was interested in me, romantically. Think of all the questions running through your head. Is she ready to date? Will I be her first after Sue? I'm I a rebound? Is she looking to replace Sue? How can I ever live up to Sue's image? Will I be accepted by her families? Do you see what I'm talking about? Are you seeing the big elephant shape taking form? They are all valid questions. They just want to know that I am mentally and emotionally ready to move forward. The subject comes up all the time. It's something that I will have to address with every person of interest. It's kind of like coming out... you don't only do it once.

2nd point - (And this is not a complaint....only an observation)  Those people closest to me, are, and will be, a bit protective of me. They love me and they just don't want to see me hurt, again. I understand this. Hopefully, they don't take it to the level of scaring anyone away. After all, this is my life after death ...it's about me.

3rd point - Those same people closest to me, want what's best for me. They want me to be happy. They want me to find someone. But, wanting those things and seeing them, with your own eyes, are very different things. What I mean by that is: my inner circle of loved one's are/were Sue's inner circle of loved one's too. And when the time comes that they see me with someone, side by side, in the arms of, etc. .......it will sting. It will hurt. It will happen. They will have to cope with that. That will be part of their healing process.

So, my life after death has gotten a bit complicated .... so be it. Whether I go two steps forward and one step back, or, one step forward and two steps back, I'm still facing in the right direction. This is a path that I'm on for the first time and I don't know where it will take me. But, this I do know: I know that I am a different Kim now. I know that whomever I'm meant to be with next will be different than Sue. I know that the dynamic of "us" will be different, but I also know that it can be just as good. I want just as good, I expect just as good and quite frankly, I deserve just as good.

My Pittsburgh Steeler's

I can't help but brag and take much of the credit for my Pittsburgh Steeler's being in the Superbowl, again!  I say "take credit" because I work very hard for my team. They exhaust me. Sometimes I feel that I've physically made each and every play myself.  For example:  I hang my Steeler flag out in front of the house every game day.  And although I have several Steeler apparel items, superstition dictates that I wear the same shirt every game day, because it helps them win.  I yell at the referees, players and coaches through my TV.  I turn up my surround sound speakers. I swing my terrible towel.  I sweat, pray, agonize, cross my fingers, and near cardiac arrest all for the sake of my team. I ignore house guests. I scare away kids on Halloween. I skip church. I'm a very dedicated and interactive fan. I have to tell them what to do, and what not to do, on each and every down. They don't always listen to me, thus the 4 losses in their 12-4 record this year. But here we are again .... in the Superbowl. I wouldn't be a true fan if I didn't believe that my team was absolutely, positively, going to kick some cheese-head wearing Packer butt this Sunday, Feb. 6th, 2011. This will be Pittsburgh's eighth Superbowl appearance and we are the only NFL team to have won 6 Superbowl titles. No other team has that many Superbowl wins and maybe this Sunday, we can add a 7th! Lucky number 7! Time to call on all my faith again. Go Pittsburgh!!!!

Happy Birthday To Me!

Happy Birthday to me!
Happy Birthday to me!
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday.....Happy Birthday to me!

"Birthday" by The Beatles
They say it's your birthday
Well it's my birthday too, yeah
They say it's your birthday
We're gonna have a good time
I'm glad it's your birthday
Happy birthday to you ....... and me too!

"Happy Birthday" by Stevie Wonder (with some minor word altering)
You know it doesn't make much sense
There ought to be a law against
Anyone who takes offense
At a day in my celebration
Cause we all know in our minds
That there ought to be a time
That we can set aside
To show just how much you love me
And I'm sure you would agree
It couldn't fit more perfectly
Than to have a world party on the day I came to be
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday

Are you sensing a theme to this post?   Hey, when you get your own blog then you can do self centered stuff like this too! Today ..... it's all about ME!  Yay!

Faith

One definition of the word faith is: The confident belief or trust in a person, idea or thing.

I use the word faith a lot in my blogs. I imagine it can mean different things to different people. You don't have to belong to any church or religion to have faith. I always had faith, even when I was not part of a church. And this time now, is probably the strongest faith that I've ever experienced and it's compiled of many things. One aspect of my faith is my religious belief. I was born and raised Catholic. I respectfully removed myself from the church process most of my adult life and then later on, I just didn't have the energy or emotional stamina to hunt down a new Catholic church that would make me feel comfortable being in it, as a gay person. One day, I randomly asked Sue if she wanted to go to church? She said yes rather quickly. It seemed we both were in need of a church visit. At a friends recommendation we visited St. Mark's Episcopal church. I still identify as Catholic but Episcopalians are as close as you're gonna get to that. It was a very warm and welcoming place to .... just be. We quickly became part of St. Mark's small but diverse family.  There are old people, young people, mixed race families, adopted families, gay couples, straight people and even a gay Pastor (although she has since moved out of state). Sue and I had always felt comfortable holding hands, giving a kiss for the "peace be with you" part, and publicly being a couple in church. We liked that feeling.  We attended marriage courses with Rev. Canon Linda. She performed the blessing of our marriage at the beach.  (We were already legally married with the state of California and we got written permission from the Bishop to have our marriage blessed by the church.) What a nice feeling it is to have your faith present and supportive at a time like that. And when Sue was going into surgery, Pastor Kate came to bless her and pray with us.  Canon Linda brought her a hand made prayer shall during Sue's first hospital stay.  And eventually, they performed last rites and the memorial service.  When you go through events like that with someone, you become very .....bonded. You've shared your most private and personal moments with them. I continue to have the support of St. Mark's community. I appreciate knowing that they are there for me. It's that community that helps feed my faith. I also have faith in the people and love and support around me. I have faith in an Almighty power that's bigger than me. I have faith in myself. I don't know how this faith thing works, but it does. I don't know the exact chain of command or route it follows.  Somehow, my faith and belief that everything is going to be fine .... makes it turn out fine. I just have faith, in faith itself. I let go and let faith take over. It works for me.

Some friends of mine bought me a rose bush in Sue's memory and I donated it to St. Mark's because it was a place that gave Sue lots of joy. (see photo above) It's planted right next to the preschool playground which is a most appropriate place.  Another piece of Sue out there, enjoying the sounds of children. It's called a Firefighter Hybrid Tea Rose and it produces a dark red rose that is so aromatic, I think I can smell it from my house. Here is it's proper description: A big super-fragrant long-stemmed rich-red Hybrid Tea is the epitome of the classic rose in many people’s minds.  That’s why there could be no better choice for the first sponsorship rose of the ‘Remember Me’ garden fund.  Each plant sold will contribute toward the fund’s effort to honor the victims of 9-11.  You’ll love the vigorous bushy plant that provides armloads of buxom blossoms.  Lots of clean green leaves keep it looking good in the garden, too.

Ahhhhh!

I ran away from home for a while today and headed to the beach. More amazing, short sleeve wearing, weather! I won't bore you with duplicate details from my last beach experience, I'll just tell you what was different with today's trip.  I took the binoculars with me today but unfortunately there were no whale or dolphin to spot.  I did get to enjoy a pod of seal traveling by and some very playful otter. A truly beautiful and majestic day! I met a stranger, who then was no longer a stranger, and he, Noey, took my picture for me to post (see above). I once again came away being relaxed and refreshed as only the ocean can do. I had a great Mexican food lunch at The Whole Enchilada just before the beach.  I always order the same thing there so, if I get one of the regular waitresses, I don't even need to order out loud ... they already know what I want.... yummy cheese enchiladas with rice & beans and the chips & salsa are the best! And guess what? I get Mexican food again tonight as I'm meeting with my posse (close friends & family) for dinner tonight.  I can do this all week but maybe I'll get the chicken tacos tonight to change things up a bit. I promise to get to church tomorrow (and now that it's written, so it shall be done) because mass will end well before the first playoff game starts! Sad but true ... I have to squeeze in church during football season.  My Pittsburgh Steelers are 1 of 4 teams left and if we beat the Jets tomorrow then we go to another Superbowl!!!!! Yay!! I have friends coming over to watch the game with me but the excitement level can makes things a bit scary.  For example, last weekend we won at the last minute, as usual ... boy this team is a heart-attack waiting to happen, and both myself and a friend of mine leaped from my coach at the same time and she was swinging her arms back in jubilation just as I was lunging forward and WHACK!  The back of her arm smacked me across the face. I do recall seeing some stars and just think what she might have done to me if she was rooting for the opposing team? My glasses are still a bit misaligned but the mark on my nose is hardly noticeable now. Ahhhh.... good times!  Anyway, wish me luck, both physically and with my team too.  GO STEELERS!!  This is all part of that self-pampering stuff I was telling you about before, believe it or not.  The "feel good" stuff. Good food, football & friends, my ocean fix, the hour long deep tissue massage I had last weekend and yes, even the tattoo - are all self-pampering for me. I'm taking care of myself .... my way.  What about you?  You can't be much good for anyone else if you don't take care of yourself first. Just do it! You'll thank yourself later :)