Star Struck

A falling star floats down and gently lands on your arm. A shooting star, on the other hand, shoots straight towards you and pleasantly pierces you in the heart. Although this particular star is nothing but gentle, she has struck me with the force of a comet, while rings of euphoria orbit around me and spin me, until I see stars. I like this planet I'm on. I enjoy walking through these clouds. This atmosphere is good for my soul. I'll be staying a while.

Happy Birthday Ms. Stahr!

The "C" Word

2010 walk team!

Breast cancer, colon cancer, ovarian cancer.... for me, the word "cancer" is so devastating that it no longer matters what words come before or after it. Even "cancer free" doesn't sound all that freeing to the mind ... you're still forever linked, scarred and leery. It's a very powerful word. A word so familiar, that I dare you to find a single person who has no connection to cancer. And when it attaches itself to someone, it attaches itself to many. It affects families, friends and futures. It does not discriminate between rich or poor, black or white, sinner or saint. My wife died of small bowel cancer, specifically, stage 4, Mucinous Andenocarcinoma of the intestines. I've tried to think of something just as powerful to combat it. Love? Well, if love was all it took, my wife would still be here. Money? Well, that just might work ... it certainly couldn't hurt. Is it possible to put enough money into treatments, options and research for cures? God, I hope so. As I type this, other families are going through what mine went through and I can't just sit by and let that happen. This year, I will once again be supporting my "other daughter" Onne, at the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer / San Francisco. Her walk team is called the 911 Angels because they are all part of San Jose Police Department's 911 call takers. As a team, we have been doing this for several years now. "We" - as in she does the training and walking and suffering and I write a check, show up, holler, cheer, clap, wave and cry (not necessarily in that order). Hey, we all play a part. Oh yeah, I even wear pink! And I have the pictures to prove it!  Here is the link for you to support however you see fit:   http://www.avonwalk.org/san-francisco/
Let's obliterate that "C" word once and for all! After all, we are all on the same side. Go Team!

Change

Listening to Sista Monica sing Ella's song "Change" the other night got me thinking of some big changes that are happening to me at this time. Changes that I'm ready for but wasn't quite expecting.

I was asked by a friend not too long ago (in a very loving way), that if I were to become involved with someone new, what was I going to do with the Sue pictures around the house?  Well, that was a very good question. At the time I said, "When the time comes that someone new has filled my heart, then I would have to respectfully put those photos away. But until that happens, those photos are the only relationship that I have." Well, now I seem to have become significantly impacted by someone very special. I think it's time for me to re-evaluate those photos. I'm definitely keeping the family photo of all of us at Jason's house .... that's a keeper! And maybe one on the fridge? This, in no way means that I'm getting rid of Sue. She will always be with me. She is part of me. She's all that's good about me and I refuse to separate from that. This new person in my life will hopefully understand and accept that. Change ... it's strange and sometimes necessary. It's exciting and a bit scary. I am at a place now, where I welcome this adventure with open arms. Wish me luck!    www.sistamonica.com/

To Make You Think

The ways of the world for me,
May not be the same as you see.
Is your reflection all that you want it to be?
... Go, be part of the change.

It bothers me, since mine was lost,
When others don't realize what they've got.
You can't always choose if you're a "have" or "have not".
... Acknowledge all your gifts.

Forever is not that far away,
And never is something you never should say,
And when all that is left, are the remains of the day
... You have to stop and think.

Happy V.D.!

Happy Valentine's Day!

I wish true love for those that haven't found it yet.  I wish for those who are in love, to show it everyday, so your partner never has any doubt about it. I wish for the resurgence of romance and chivalry. I wish there were more same-sex Valentine cards. I wish the chocolates that I eat, to support this holiday, wouldn't stick to my hips.

Valentine's Day was a big deal for Sue. Her favorite candy was Reese's peanut butter cups. I remember one year I bought a case of Reese's candy and spelled out "I Love You" in peanut butter cups! That was hard to top, but another year VD came shortly after an earthquake, so I went to the local Red Cross and bought their huge, bright red backpack filled with emergency supplies.  Hey, nothing really says I love you, quite like a family size first aid kit. Dare to be different! Think outside the box ..... it's fun!

For the record: I am very happy to report that I have a Valentine sweetie this year! Yay for me!

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!
XOXOXO

Life After Death

What I mean to say is: my life, after Sue's death, and a few, somewhat complicating factors, that have made themselves present. Let me preface this post by saying that I started writing this months ago, saved it, edited it, re-evaluated and altered it again and again, finally coming to this version. More simply stated; I've done a lot of self-analyzing around this.

1st point - The loss that I have finally come to terms with is now back to mess with my future relationships. The death of my wife is now the elephant in the middle of the room. Think about it. It's already hard enough to make friends and meet people, especially same sex attractions. And then there's this: Imagine if you were someone who was interested in me, romantically. Think of all the questions running through your head. Is she ready to date? Will I be her first after Sue? I'm I a rebound? Is she looking to replace Sue? How can I ever live up to Sue's image? Will I be accepted by her families? Do you see what I'm talking about? Are you seeing the big elephant shape taking form? They are all valid questions. They just want to know that I am mentally and emotionally ready to move forward. The subject comes up all the time. It's something that I will have to address with every person of interest. It's kind of like coming out... you don't only do it once.

2nd point - (And this is not a complaint....only an observation)  Those people closest to me, are, and will be, a bit protective of me. They love me and they just don't want to see me hurt, again. I understand this. Hopefully, they don't take it to the level of scaring anyone away. After all, this is my life after death ...it's about me.

3rd point - Those same people closest to me, want what's best for me. They want me to be happy. They want me to find someone. But, wanting those things and seeing them, with your own eyes, are very different things. What I mean by that is: my inner circle of loved one's are/were Sue's inner circle of loved one's too. And when the time comes that they see me with someone, side by side, in the arms of, etc. .......it will sting. It will hurt. It will happen. They will have to cope with that. That will be part of their healing process.

So, my life after death has gotten a bit complicated .... so be it. Whether I go two steps forward and one step back, or, one step forward and two steps back, I'm still facing in the right direction. This is a path that I'm on for the first time and I don't know where it will take me. But, this I do know: I know that I am a different Kim now. I know that whomever I'm meant to be with next will be different than Sue. I know that the dynamic of "us" will be different, but I also know that it can be just as good. I want just as good, I expect just as good and quite frankly, I deserve just as good.

My Pittsburgh Steeler's

I can't help but brag and take much of the credit for my Pittsburgh Steeler's being in the Superbowl, again!  I say "take credit" because I work very hard for my team. They exhaust me. Sometimes I feel that I've physically made each and every play myself.  For example:  I hang my Steeler flag out in front of the house every game day.  And although I have several Steeler apparel items, superstition dictates that I wear the same shirt every game day, because it helps them win.  I yell at the referees, players and coaches through my TV.  I turn up my surround sound speakers. I swing my terrible towel.  I sweat, pray, agonize, cross my fingers, and near cardiac arrest all for the sake of my team. I ignore house guests. I scare away kids on Halloween. I skip church. I'm a very dedicated and interactive fan. I have to tell them what to do, and what not to do, on each and every down. They don't always listen to me, thus the 4 losses in their 12-4 record this year. But here we are again .... in the Superbowl. I wouldn't be a true fan if I didn't believe that my team was absolutely, positively, going to kick some cheese-head wearing Packer butt this Sunday, Feb. 6th, 2011. This will be Pittsburgh's eighth Superbowl appearance and we are the only NFL team to have won 6 Superbowl titles. No other team has that many Superbowl wins and maybe this Sunday, we can add a 7th! Lucky number 7! Time to call on all my faith again. Go Pittsburgh!!!!