The New Year

I'm looking forward to the new year, new beginnings, new chances and changes.  Somehow, I think that the year 2011 will make me feel a little more removed from certain events, not people or feelings, just certain events.  Do you know what I mean? I hear that the double number 1 in 2011 should bring luck, although I don't think that I believe in luck, I also won't dismiss it .... I'll take whatever I can get.  I don't make resolutions anymore ... that's just setting myself up for failure. I'm hopeful that this new year will bring me continued healing and recovery. Gosh, I love the word hope. It keeps me at the edge of my seat. It's almost thrill-like for me imagining all the possibilities that are out there. I hope that the new year will bring you good health and happiness and wonderful experiences. Happy New Year everyone! Salute!

Recovery

I know someone who's position in the family was not validated and when she lost her fiance', his family came in and took everything that belonged to him, leaving her with absolutely nothing. I felt so bad for her. I'm so very thankful that Sue's family was the exact opposite of that. My position and title of "wife" was validated by them and it mattered. I mattered. We worked very well together even with the most difficult decisions. We have shared events so powerful that they will keep us bonded forever. One thing I have learned from the grieving process is the importance of  adhering to my needs, on my time line, no one else's. For example, I decided, when it felt right to me, to stop wearing my wedding ring. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I was no longer married. I decided what items of remembrance I would keep out or put away. Don't let anyone make those decisions for you.  It has to be the way you want it and when it feels right to you. In the beginning, I had lots and lots of photos and mementos around the house. It's what I needed at the time. Gradually, I was able to decrease those objects and now I feel comfortable with just a few choice pieces. I was given a book by a friend, that I used as a guide only, titled "Finding Your Way after Your Spouse Dies" by Marta Felber.  She combines her professional counseling and her own experience with loss as a resource for others.  Yes, I read the book! Now, for those of you that know how much I dislike reading, we will pause just long enough for you to regain consciousness. Okay.... is everyone upright again? Good. I also read the collection of poems by Mary Oliver in her book titled "Thirst".  Her poems share her pain and process of losing her partner of 40 years.  I'm glad to have learned that the mourning process was temporary. I'm also glad to have learned that the grieving process was temporary. I believe that I am now in recovery. I am on my way back and with most cases of recovery, I have to take it one day at a time. My days are mostly easy now, but there are some days that are still hard to get through. That's just the way it goes.... recovery.

Blood Ties

On June 30th, 1986 - I had a tubal pregnancy. My fallopian tube had burst and I was bleeding internally, very lethargic and had no idea any of this was happening. Papa, who was at my apartment days before scheduled because Spain had lost in an early round of the World Cup, took one look at my gray and clammy skin and knew something was wrong. He carried me down the stairs of my apartment just as Grandpa Angelo was pulling up, quite unexpectedly, in his long white Cadillac. They sped me off to San Jose Hospital's trauma center. I had lost 4 units of blood, one fallopian tube, my blood pressure was at zero and  I needed emergency, life saving surgery. In and out of consciousness, I remember bits and pieces. I remember the rush of what seemed like a dozen medical people all working on different parts of me. I remember the trauma suit being put on me and the table that I was on tilted me upside down. I remember my abdomen being very distended and painful.  I especially remember one ER nurse in particular. It seemed that her sole purpose was to hold my hand and tell me that everything was going to be alright. I'll never forget her. Obviously, everything turned out okay for me that day but there were a lot of people and plenty of higher power that made all of those parts come together: Papa and grandpa were not even expected at my place that day. The four blood transfusions, quite possibly from four different people. A medical staff that came together and did what they were trained to do....and then some. The grand puppeteer that put all of those people at the right place and time just for me to have a second chance at life. It was a long time ago but never far from my mind.

Today I gave a blood donation to the American Red Cross, as I regularly do. It makes me feel good to give back and I'm living proof of how a single person can make a difference.  http://www.redcross.org/

Traditions

It's natural to get sentimental during the holidays but no matter when I get sentimental, as in "home sick", I either play music from Spain or make food from Spain. No, Spain is not my home, I am a California girl, but most of my family is in Spain.  My Mom, Papa, brother and his two kids all live in Valencia. So when I get "home sick", what I really mean is: I miss my mommy. Because the Christmas music has filled my CD player today, I will be cooking migas and empanadillas.  Migas (crumbs) doesn't sound very exciting, it' just chorizo with fried dough with the look and feel of a dry cereal but it's oh so yummy! Empanadillas (empanadas) are filled with sauteed tuna in tomato sauce and bell peppers, wrapped in dough and baked until brown and yummy. This will be my first attempt at empanadillas.  I've made migas every Christmas morning for the last ten years now with the exception of last year. I guess wherever my mind was this time last year, I simply and completely forgot to make them.  I suppose that means that I will have to eat twice as much this year. Oh well, we all make sacrifices :-)  I don't hang up stockings any more... that's a little too 'in your face' that one is missing. It's a quiet and peaceful day but very warm and special too. Last night a good friend of mine invited me to Christmas Eve mass at the Santa Clara Mission Church. It was a beautiful mass and I'm glad that I went. Tomorrow my children and I will try to get to my sister's house and exchange gifts with her and her family.  I'm off of work until Jan. 3rd and loving every bit of it!  Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good......LIFE!

(the photo above is of the migas that I made for breakfast)

Friends

I can't even imagine managing my loss all alone.... that would be true devastation. I am always aware of the great blessings I have in my friends.  I have awesome friends. I consider my family as my friends and I consider my friends as if they are my family. There is nothing superficial about my friendships.... they are very deep and very true.  I have a handful of friends that I've held close for over 34 years and many more that just feel that long (in a good way). All of my friends have always been so very supportive of me but never more so than with Sue's illness and passing.  I knew that their offerings were most genuine and heartfelt and there were those that acknowledged being distant on purpose, knowing that that was what I needed at the time. Sometimes just knowing they were there was comforting. No conversation or other sentiments would have made me feel any better.  Sometimes silence is the best gift. My friends are with me for the duration.  I know that if I ever call upon them.... they will be there for me.....doing whatever I need.  And, I make it very clear that I will do the same for them.... in a second!  That's how true friendships work.  I don't want the notice of my many friends to be discouraging to anyone reading this.  If you take inventory and feel that you fall short, then you are mistaken.  Please know that all you really ever need is one, true friend.... that person whom you trust and who will listen and let you lean on them.  And if you think that you don't even have that...... then look to your faith.  Your faith, whatever it may be, will always be your truest, fastest most constant friend.

(This post is dedicated to all of my wonderful friends... my old friends, my new friends and the friends that I haven't even met yet!  I sincerely thank you all.)

Spin Control

There's a scene from the movie Tango & Cash where Kurt Russell and Sylvester Stallone are in an all terrain vehicle headed into the enemy's compound to kill all the bad guys or die trying. The driver (Russell), turns to Stallone and says: "I have some good news and bad news." Stallone asks for the bad news first. Russell replies: "We're almost out of gas." Then Stallone asks for the good news and Russell replies: "We're ALMOST out of gas"

One way of coping for me is to try to always be an optimist. It takes a lot of practice and it's not always easy but whatever "spin" I can put to a negative situation to make me feel better about..... I'll do. You can apply such spin to just about any situation. For example: Sue is no longer here physically. That is very true, but when she was here physically, in human form, she couldn't always be with me. She had work, family responsibilities, she socialized with friends and so on.  But, in spirit form, she is everywhere! She can be with me anytime I want. She can be at the beach, beside me on the couch or even in my back pocket. You see what I just did? That's spin! Sometimes so much spin is needed that I take a Dramamine. And sometimes you just have to roll with the punches but instead of just accepting change, take charge of it. It's all about convincing myself that, not only is the glass half full, but there are a couple of Oreo cookies next to it!

Catharsis

Definition of catharsis:
    a) a purification or purgation of emotions primarily through art
    b) a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension
    c) elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression


I would have to add  d) all of the above. Yep, that's what writing does for me! I have always felt the need to write out my feelings, issues, thoughts, troubles, etc. I write about things and people that impact me. We forget how powerful words can be. They can make someone laugh. They can make someone cry. They can provoke thought and even bloodshed. They can make you fall in love. My words heal me in three ways. First: writing them down is a way of getting them out of me, freeing my mind, heart and soul of its current burden. Second: once it's on paper, I can better assess, analyze, reflect and pick it apart to look at it from various angles. Third: reading them, sometimes years later, will remind me of what I was going through at the time and that I survived it. That is a great confidence booster. I know I got through that, so I can get through this. And, if I get through this then I can get through whatever comes next. This approach has worked for me for over thirty years and I still count on it today......obviously.

There's so much that we can learn from the experiences of others and it's a shame we don't take the time to stop and share more often than we do. I guess I'm just hoping that someone might gain something from my experience.... even if it's.... what NOT to do. Hey, even that's something!

Phoenix

Risen from the ashes,
Given second chances,
Seeing all the damage
As I fly over the fray.

I'll shake off the soot,
Give myself a look
And get use to the new skin I'm in.

Soon enough they'll find me,
The voices from inside me,
Of past lives left behind me
I'll tuck them under my wing.

With a change in attitude,
From a whole new altitude,

My destination's unknown.


(My next tattoo will be a phoenix!)

A Beach of a Day!

Today I spent the day at the beach. The sun woke and the fog broke about 15 minutes before I got there. I knew it was going to be a good day! Now, let's see if I can explain what the beach means to me. First of all, the sights are never ending and ever changing and I witness it all from my comfy folding chair with footrest. The weather was so nice that I was quickly down to my short sleeve shirt (and pants of course)! I saw surfers, kayakers, people walking their dogs, people fishing and people on horseback (which is better than horses on peopleback).  Sail boats and fishing boats helps to fill the frame. The roar and crash of the waves, the blue of the sky and ocean, sand and shells under foot, nosey seal gives me a look. There were otter, gulls, pelicans and sandpipers. The wind in my hair, the sun on my face, the mist like a kiss on my cheek. I feel so far from home, bills and responsibilities and I'm quite thankful for no cell phone service too. It's so beautiful, peaceful and tranquil here. It surrounds me and grounds me and puts me in my place. Sundays like this make it okay to skip church and yes, even football. God is here. Sue is here. Needless to say, I'm in good company. I'm by myself but not alone. Then; when you think it can't get any better than this, I walk about 40 yards to Phil's Fish Market behind me. I order my charbroiled salmon with rice and salad for lunch and a slice of chocolate mousse (heaven) for dessert...... TO GO! Now, I'm back having my yummy lunch on the beach with all this beauty and nature around me. True California dreaming! I'm revived, rejuvenated, renewed, released and at peace. I'm full in my tummy and fulfilled in my soul. I could sum up the entire day with these three letters: WOW!

(photo taken 12-12-10)

The Quilt Project

On one of my sleepless nights during the latter part of Sue's illness, I wondered what I was going to do with all her clothes?  Then, soon enough, I was faced with that challenge. I remembered that my supervisor, along with several other campus co-workers, were part of a quilting group.  I asked if they would be willing to make quilts out of Sue's clothing for her kids, grand kids and me? They generously agreed to help me transform t-shirts, dress shirts, sweatshirts and pajama pants into 3' x 4' comfort quilts. Although I do not quilt; I don't even sew so-so, I did have my work cut out for me. I had to go through all of her wearable belongings and decide what would be used for the quilts. I then had to cut perfect 12" squares (as many as I could get) out of her simple wardrobe. Then I had to decide who would get what piece and where it would be placed in the quilt. This was a very time consuming project and I'm thankful for that.  It kept me busy both mentally and physically. It took me down memory lane, recalling events, moments and places that emerged from each item. I put a lot of thought into what pieces may have special meaning to its recipient. And I certainly had to make sure that everyone got a piece of tie-dye and Dallas Cowboys! Once all those decisions were made, we (the quilting group) spent half a day adding the batting, backing and assembling the rows. Four people split the task of actually quilting a total of six quilts. The quilts went to the four grandchildren (pictured above Christmas 2009), myself and Sue's daughter. My supervisor and I made pillows out of smaller squares of clothing for Sue's son, her mom and a few close friends. It took close to three months to complete the process  - just in time for our first Christmas without Sue. The ladies from the quilting group are more than quilters and co-workers; they are very dear friends of mine. They spent their valuable time and talent to give something so special to me and my family. They helped us with purpose, healing and uplifting comfort. I can't express how much I appreciate them and the process of taking something in one form and turning it into another form. I'm proud to say that they have adopted me into their group. Now, we can wrap ourselves in fabric that once wrapped Sue. I assure you that these cuddly creations  are continually getting used and reflected upon. This was an important piece of  healing for me. Thank you again!

The Lange Foundation

Part of my healing process is to do the best I can at scattering random seeds of kindness. This was a big part of how Sue lived her life. One seed in particular is The Lange Foundation. Although Sue never got the chance to know them, we, as a family, have found healing with this specific non-profit organization. I'll let you do your own research on them but please know that we have personally toured their locations, met the wonderful people, animals and volunteers and seen the good deeds being done. Oliver was adopted from there and Nataly has volunteered there. I know that these are tough financial times, but if you have it in your budget to give even the smallest amount to a non-profit, then I ask you to please consider The Lange Foundation. The following link should be able to answer any questions you may have about them:   http://www.langefoundation.com/index/Home.html   They are good people, doing good work, just for the love of animals. They too are struggling to keep their buildings open and running for the sake of the countless abandoned pets. At Sue's memorial, we asked for donations to The Lange Foundation in lieu of flowers. To date, $68,000 has been donated in Sue's name.  The photo above is of the plaque over the doorway of the west wing in St. Bonnie's Sanctuary. The west wing is where the sick animals are housed while they are being nursed back to health. This is such an appropriate memorial.  Sue's love for animals equalled her love for children and she had to choose which would be her career path. She chose caring for, educating and nurturing children for most of her adult life, with animals coming in a close second. I can't tell you how many times we've pulled to the side of the road, mid-route, to rescue a lost, hurt or abandoned animal. And in our many travels we would always stop to pet the goats or just watch the dolphin and otter swim by. One day, I came home to hear Sue's story of finding a bunch of ducklings roaming our neighborhood, without adult duck supervision.  She used a couple of empty laundry baskets to capture them and then drove them to a local park where many a duck has enjoyed the pond and surrounding areas. That was just her way. There are little pieces of Sue everywhere out there but none more obvious than on the face of a dog or cat, lizard or snake .... or any animal for that matter. Thank you for you consideration and happy seed scattering to you!

Today is the 30th anniversary of John Lennon's death.  Imagine!

Dec. 6, 1999

Today is the anniversary of my first date and first kiss with Sue. In typical Kim fashion, I was the last to realize that it was a real "date".  Yes, I asked her to go with me. Yes, I brought her flowers, (insert your eye rolling here) but I am always chivalrous like that. In my mind, I was going to dinner and a concert with 3 friends. I had no idea that Sue had a crush on me. I had no idea that while I was  focusing my attention on the concert, she was focusing her attention on me. And no one was more shocked that I was when she kissed me, on the lips, after taking her back to her car that night. Wow! It was as though a lightning bolt had passed through me, from head to toe. A simple little peck on the lips was all it took. I was done. I was out for the count. This was it. She was it for me. It was a life altering moment for both of us and I mean that quite literally. I can't imagine where my life would be if she didn't have the courage to kiss me that night. I like to always try to celebrate this day for all the life altering possibilities that are out there. They are out there for all of us. Sometimes, they are sitting right next to you and you don't even know it.  Be open to the possibilities.

Pictured from left to right: Dina, Claudia, Kim & Sue
Photo dated 12-6-99

Crash

She crashed hard into me
Left a mark inside of me
Felt the sting but did not bleed;
She was warm and unexpected
And my hope she resurrected
She woke up my senses
And tore down some fences
And I will always be grateful for that.

Now we'll keep each other as friends
And I'll keep the umbrella of black
And I'll take my hope restored
And wear my resolve on my skin
And the crash I'll never forget
And the beautiful dent that it left
Will stay with me forever.

The Gift

Sometimes, the person giving the gift gets more out of the exchange than the recipient.....not this time.

This gift was given to me by someone I dated.....okay, the ONLY person I've dated since Sue. It was brief but powerful. Was it too soon after Sue's death? Probably.  Was it a mistake? Absolutely not! You see, she came to me at a time when things were very dark. My nights were restless and filled with ugly thoughts and images of death and reminders of the sounds and smells of dying. Doubts about if I had done enough or if what I did do could have been done better, haunted and tormented me. It was brutal. And there's no way I could ever describe the kind of pain I suffered with the loss of my wife. It's a pain so deep that I thought it would grow roots and stay with me forever. But eventually, the pain broke off, bit by bit and fell away, but in it's place was a numbness. The numbness was far more scary than the pain. I feared I may never feel anything again. And if I did feel... what would I feel?  Would I feel angry? Would I feel sorry for myself? Would I be bitter?  Then she came to me and it was wonderful in so many ways.  My nights were then filled with pleasant thoughts and images and I had reminders of soft textures and scents, hearty laughter, meaningful conversation, yummy dinners & dancing.  They brought many a distraction to my mind and smile to my face. I began to FEEL again!  I felt joy again! I felt warm and nervous again!  I felt awkward. I felt attracted and yes, even attractive again!  Like a spell had been lifted, I was feeling again. This was a huge gift! It gave me hope. It was the light at the end of my dark tunnel. It was re-assurance that I could fall in love again ..... someday.  How do you thank someone for that?

Waiting for Great

It's true, I'm getting back to good
But there are varying degrees of good.
Sometimes I'm good plus two,
Sometimes I'm good minus eight,
But we all have those days
While getting back to great.

And sometimes I go to the dark
And sit and drown for a while.
I've learned to embrace the shadows
Like a cool and quiet friend,
A contemplative state
To find answers within,
That the light might blind me from seeing.

I don't know how long it will take
For me to get back to great?
You'll probably see the great in me long before I do.
I always seem to be that last to know, what I know.

Just Kim

"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us."   
                                       - Alexander Graham Bell

I'm beginning to understand that quote. I'm just realizing all the opportunities/blessings/lessons that have come to me since Sue's death. Don't get me wrong.... if I could go back to the way things were - I would in a second... but, that's out of my hands. So, we make do with what we have left and we hesitantly peek into those opened doors. I think the two most important things that I've learned about myself would be: Just how strong I am....in all aspects....physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc.  What I thought I could not survive.....I did. I'm continually amazed at my own determination and will and I don't say that in a bragging way at all.  I have also learned how to be just Kim again and that is probably the hardest thing to admit.  I was "Kim and ________" for 14 years and then I went immediately into "Kim and Sue" for 10 years and now I'm.......just Kim. Single, is not my comfort zone, at all. I'm just better at being in a partnership. Single is a strange, foreign and awkward place for me .......right now anyway.  Maybe I'll be posting something entirely different in the near future? I only know the path behind me - I have no idea what's ahead......kind of exciting, huh?

** Today is World AIDS Day **

There I Am

Sometimes I'd like to just run away from myself
Find a place to hide
And leave myself behind
But every time I turn around - there I am
Still frightened, still cautious
Still carrying some doubt

And when I think I rose above it
And found my way through the fog
I'll catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror - and there I am
Still alone, still with a hole in my heart
Still wearing the weight of grief on my face

It's not easy to climb from despair
I might slip on the way
I might fall flat and have to start the climb all over again
But that's okay, each rung has a lesson for me
And I'm up for the challenge
And when I finally escape
This powerful grip - there I'll be

Sentimental Journey

I put up my Christmas tree last night. It's a small, old, artificial tree but very special, in a Charlie Brown kind of way.  It only stands about 2 1/2' feet tall and it's quite tattered. I acquired it from my grandmother after she passed away back in 2001. It was a tree that she used for many years. One by one I selected and hung ornaments of sentiment and significance.  For Sue, there are ornaments of dolphins, Eskimos, angels and Dallas Cowboys. I hung ornaments from when my children were little. I hung my Snoopy bullfighter for my family in Spain. I hung ornaments from my youth. I hung the ornament that had belonged to my Uncle Jack - he passed away in 1982. With each ornament came a flood of memories. Memories of the people, places and special times that we shared together. At one moment, my living room felt full of people from my past - true Christmas spirits! It was a wonderful journey!

Monday Meetings

This time last year I was part of an 8 week, support group for people who had lost their spouses. I was a reluctant participant. It took a lot for me to make the call to sign up. But, I knew that I needed to be with people who suffered the same loss as I did. You see, Sue's kids had each other and all the grandkids had each other and all of the friends had each other but I was the only wife.  My loss was different and a bit isolating. I needed to find that commonality with others.  I found it in The Center for Living with Dying at Bill Wilson Center http://www.billwilsoncenter.org/services/all/living.html . It was a closed group of the same 4 people plus the facilitating therapist and an intern. The staff at this place was great....supper great. The group consisted of me (I was the youngest person there and the only one with a same-sex spouse but never did they make me feel that my relationship was less valid that theirs), Bob who lost his wife after a 3 year battle with ovarian cancer, Kathy whose husband's death was sudden and unexpected, and Teri whose fiance' also died suddenly. We all lost our spouses around the same time but we were all different. We had different beliefs, religious and otherwise. We all carried our grief and pain differently. We all found comfort in different ways. We all mourned differently. We learned from each other. We were validated regarding the way we were coping.  I learned that whatever we did to get by and to feel better was OK. If going to the beach every week was what I needed to help my heal - that was OK. If having a banana split for dinner made me feel better - so be it. If lighting candles comforted me - that was fine. Whatever I needed for me was OK. I immediately saw the difference between Bob and I who had advanced notice of our loved ones terminal state versus Kathy and Teri and their sudden and shocking losses. Their pain and grief was compounded, concentrated and heavy. Bob and I had a head start on our grieving process and our load, although just as heavy, was more spread out and expected. I looked forward to those Monday night meetings (even though I was missing football) and I was sad when they ended. I got what I needed at the time from that group and I've carried those lessons with me ever since. I highly recommend support groups like this to anyone who is going through any kind of loss. Just knowing you are not alone is huge.

Leftovers

Ahhh....leftovers! That warm, full feeling deep in your gut. No, I'm not talking about gravy...I'm talking about the love.... the family.... the friends that I consider family. The genuine, heartfelt texts first thing in the morning wishing me a Happy Thanksgiving. My sister calling, sending her love and thanksgiving wishes. My parents and my brother and his kids that live in Spain. I promised to eat a little extra for them.... and I did...as they don't have a meal such as this over there. Friends that dropped by with hugs and greetings. It's about remembering and reflecting on those who are no longer with us. It's about enjoying the company of those who are with us. Both of my grown children shared the day with me. Tony had his feast earlier, in between his two shifts at work. Nicole helped me straighten the house and make the stuffing. Then, there's my other family. Sue's children Onne and Jason and they each have two children of their own. Onne, Blake (15) and Ian (11) live locally while Jason, Nataly (19) and Kevin (13) live in Los Angeles.  Yes, that means I have 4 grandchildren by marriage and it's wonderful! They call me Grandpa Kim... after all, I was with Sue for 10 years so I'm just about the only partner of hers that they remember. They make it easy to be part of the family....they have since the first time I met them. Onne and Blake joined me for dinner and dessert. Like usual, I enjoyed their company to the point of me always wanting more. Oh, let's not forget the mother-in-law.... that I don't visit as often as I should ... but that's how mother-in-laws go. Anyway, THAT is the warm, filling, yummy leftovers that I was referring to. Now, where's that chocolate cream pie?

Thankfuls

I'm thankful for the time I had with her
I'm thankful that we enjoyed every moment together
And every bit of each other
And the family and friends she left behind
I'm thankful to consider them mine
And those who stood beside me
Even when I could not see
It's because of you that I got through
And I'm thankful for my healing
I'm thankful for my growth
I accept the pain and tears
I choose not to let them stay
And I'm thankful for my faith
The force that sustains me
The Lord that brought her to me
I'm thankful to know one day
I'll meet her at the gates
We'll share a long embrace
And be together eternal
Ever after, plus a day


I have so much to be thankful for....so many blessing have been given to me.
Today I'm roasting a 6lb turkey breast with mashed potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce, corn, dinner rolls and a special guest will be bringing pies and ice cream!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

"F" Words

The fight that's deep inside of me
The fear that I won't let you see
Time moves fast and friends stay firm
Failure is not a word I've learned
Familiar feelings rise to surface
For better, for worse, I filled my purpose
Finding fragments of my past
Memories fade but love still lasts
The flash I had inked on my flesh
The force that keeps me full and fresh
The fire that burns inside my core
The fuel that keeps me flaming strong
Forgiving of humanity
Forsaking negativity
Faith in the footprints that carry me
The peace that flows all over me
And frees me of my pain

How Do I Do It?

I'm a very open and honest person and I'll share my truth with just about anyone who'll ask.  I am also a private person and won't volunteer any information without a nudge. Well, I get nudged a lot and that's OK because I've found that when I share pieces of myself , there's the possibility that I just might enlighten you in the process ....and me too.  So, how do I do it? How do I get through my devastating loss? How do I get through the holidays? Notice that I did not put those questions in past tense form as I am no where near being done with getting through. Keep in mind that what works for me might not work the same for you. No smoke and mirrors. Nothing up my sleeve. No Wonder Woman tactics .....um....err.... sorry, I distracted myself with that Wonder Woman reference ;-) Anyway, these are the tools for my healing process (in no particular order):  A leave of absense from work- to care for myself since I was no longer being the caregiver; unconditional support from my family and friends and people I haven't even met with a little group therapy on the side; my revived faith, the fact that I hold no regret, guilt or shame regarding the relationship that I had with Sue or the events that lead to her passing; humor and finding the funny even in the ugliest of things; music- the louder the better; self-pampering -which includes stuff like: deep tissue massages, random acts of chocolate, loving myself (and you can take that however you want); being silly, day trips to the beach, cloud watching, etc.; inner peace and giving into those sporadic emotional breakdowns rather than fighting them, which is not easy for the control freak that I am.  It's just easier to go with the flow.  And maybe time does mend or maybe it's just knowing that I got through yesterday so I can get through today, and so on, and so on again.  And I've learned that as soon as I think I've figured out grief.... it throws me a curve.  When I think the holiday or anniversary will be hard and filled with sadness and tears..... it's not.  Instead, I might have a random grief attack on some event-less Tuesday in the middle of whatever month. Even though I have every reason and right to curl up in a ball and never let the sunlight ever touch my face again, I believe that if I don't continue to thrive and succeed at this life that's left for me... then that would be a waste of Sue's life lessons.  I know what she wants for me. I know what I want for myself. I am transforming at this very moment. I am a work in progress. Be patient with me.

Things You Need the Most

A certain church mouse friend recently told me of her favorite poem that a wrote a long time ago. (It's in my previously published book of poems titled "Inside Out" which I am no longer selling but I'll gladly send you a copy if you email me at ks12699 at yahoo.com with your mailing address)  So, to refresh my memory, I re-read that entry and I connected with it all over again.  And I'd like to share it with you now because sometimes we need little reminders, when we feel like we've lost it all, that all we really have to do to survive - is to get back to the basics.

Here it is:

The things that you need the most
The Father, Son and Holy Ghost
You abandoned long ago.
Now hollow, cold and all alone
You search for something new
Just to get you through.
The hard times still are bad
And you forgot what friends you had
Now who'll be there to take your hand
And watch as you grow old?
Time for secrets to be told
The mystery now unfolds
Of loves not meant to be
Was it all too clear to see?
And now too much time is lost
Burnt bridges can't be crossed
And was it worth the cost?
So much pain and despair
Just to be treated fair
The truth was something rare.
Now that your story's known to all
You wonder who will take the fall
And loved ones that you recall
Look at you through judging eyes
It's all part of your sacrifice
But doesn't freedom sure feel nice?
And isn't it about time
To get get back all you've left behind
Those things that you need the most
The Father, Son and Holy Ghost.

Random Acts

So, I ask you. Have you done any random acts of kindness today?  Have you paid it forward lately?  What are you waiting for?  Just do it...and then keep on doing it. Once is not enough.

Here is an example of a random act of kindness that I received (in greeting card form) not too long ago from a complete stranger across the country who happened to take the time to read a year old, discarded obituary that wrapped some flowers. (My imagination says they were Sunflowers)

8-18-10, D. Nutley from High Falls, New York writes:

"Oddly, I've never met Sue. You see I'm a florist and flowers are shipped to my shop from around the world - often wrapped in newspaper from the locals where they are grown and packed. So today I opened a box of flowers and was greeted by Sue's smile and the happy loving story of her life and the sad news that she is no longer here. I want you to know that she still touches people and that I'm happy to know that there are or were people like Sue. You are lucky to have had her. I hope this reaches you and that you all have the strength to continue her good work."

PLEASE CHECK OUT THIS KIND FLORISTS WEBSITE  http://www.visitvortex.com/Green_Cottage
http://www.thegreencottage.com/

Back To Good

Eventually,

The pain will end

And my heart will mend

I’ll make new friends

And someone will interest me again.

Apparently,

The best place to hide

Is in plain sight

Distracting my mind

And walking by my side.

Suddenly,

My plan does fall apart

As I fall for her hard

No going back to start

She’s already touched my heart.

Finally,

I’m getting back to good

I knew someday I would

And so it’s not misunderstood

I’m ready to get back to good.

(written 3-29-10)

The New Me

I’ve mourned and transformed

Into something I never use to be.

And when it’s all said and done

I hope I like the new me.

When the sand has settled

And the tide has turned,

When peace finds my soul

And my heart no longer yearns,

I hope I like what I see.

The change that was strange

Is now comfort to me.

I almost can’t wait to meet the new me.

When laugh lines begin to hide

My tear stained cheek

I’ll be sent love from up above

Then metamorphous is complete.

I’ll walk higher and burn with desire

You just wait and see – the new me!

(written 1-5-10)

When I Fall

And when I fall, I fall deep,

As deep as the dark will take me.

But when I hit bottom

I always seem to land on

Soft and loving memories

That lift me up again.

And again I’ll fall

And fall very hard

But I know you’ll catch me

And help me to rise again.

And for the better you know,

So I’ll let you go

And I’ll let you be

Until I need you again, when I fall.

(written 12-12-09)

Answered Prayers

When I was lost in the darkness

She took my hand, showed me the light

That led my path and walked beside me ‘til the end.

And I was the answer to her prayer.

She eased me when I was troubled.

She calmed me while I was in mid-roar

And carried me when I couldn’t go on anymore.

She believed in me and taught me to believe in myself.

She loved me so then I began to love myself.

She inspired me and gave me hope

That my dreams would come true - and they did.

And I was the answer to her prayer

She laughed and cried with me.

She rocked and rolled with me.

She took me to places unreal with beauty

And no minute was ever wasted.

And she took me to the highest of highs

And I soaked in pools of bliss.

Then she took me to the depths of despair

When she rose to the heavens, I fell to my knees.

And I was the answer to her prayer,

Or was she the answer to mine?

(written 11-28-09)  Sue always said that she prayed for me and there I was - the answer to her prayer. Ditto babe!

12lbs. of Tears

The things I thought I couldn’t do – I did.

The pain that I chose not to share – I hid.

The worst has come of all my fears

And it’s only been 4 months and 12lbs. of tears

The sneaky grief attacks still taunt me

The “what if’s” and “should’ve’s” still haunt me

Maybe someday they’ll disappear

But it’s only been 4 months and 12lbs. of tears

I don’t know what will become of me

This new life without the better part of me

Maybe my prayers He will someday hear

But it’s only been 4 months and 12 lbs. of tears

And the beat goes on or that’s what they say

The clock keeps ticking and I’m getting through the day

But the pain is always under a thin veneer

‘Cause it’s only been 4 months and 12lbs. of tears

(Written 11-26-09)  I assumed the weight that I had lost shortly after Sue passed away was from the amount of tears I had cried.

Football Fan Follies

So, all of you true football fans will get this. I'm both proud and embarrassed by the following act.  The other day while valiantly cheering for my Pittsburgh Steelers I sustained an official football injury:  While vigorously swinging my one of my "terrible towels" over my head (I have 3 of them) I then decided to go into a thunderous hand clapping thus jamming my right index finger into my left palm quite forcefully. OUCH!!!! I had to keep my finger taped for a week it hurt so bad. Official football injury - you can't make this stuff up!

To Follow You

How wrong would it be

If I joined you tonight

Turn my back on this life

Leave it all behind me?

How long would it take

For my breath to escape

And my soul separate

From the rest of me?

How low must I get?

All the tears that I’ve spent

And the prayer’s that I’ve sent

As God looks right through me.

How much pain must I feel?

Will these wounds ever heal?

Will my scars be concealed

To reveal the new me?


(I wrote this in November of 2009)