What I mean to say is: my life, after Sue's death, and a few, somewhat complicating factors, that have made themselves present. Let me preface this post by saying that I started writing this months ago, saved it, edited it, re-evaluated and altered it again and again, finally coming to this version. More simply stated; I've done a lot of self-analyzing around this.
1st point - The loss that I have finally come to terms with is now back to mess with my future relationships. The death of my wife is now the elephant in the middle of the room. Think about it. It's already hard enough to make friends and meet people, especially same sex attractions. And then there's this: Imagine if you were someone who was interested in me, romantically. Think of all the questions running through your head. Is she ready to date? Will I be her first after Sue? I'm I a rebound? Is she looking to replace Sue? How can I ever live up to Sue's image? Will I be accepted by her families? Do you see what I'm talking about? Are you seeing the big elephant shape taking form? They are all valid questions. They just want to know that I am mentally and emotionally ready to move forward. The subject comes up all the time. It's something that I will have to address with every person of interest. It's kind of like coming out... you don't only do it once.
2nd point - (And this is not a complaint....only an observation) Those people closest to me, are, and will be, a bit protective of me. They love me and they just don't want to see me hurt, again. I understand this. Hopefully, they don't take it to the level of scaring anyone away. After all, this is my life after death ...it's about me.
3rd point - Those same people closest to me, want what's best for me. They want me to be happy. They want me to find someone. But, wanting those things and seeing them, with your own eyes, are very different things. What I mean by that is: my inner circle of loved one's are/were Sue's inner circle of loved one's too. And when the time comes that they see me with someone, side by side, in the arms of, etc. .......it will sting. It will hurt. It will happen. They will have to cope with that. That will be part of their healing process.
So, my life after death has gotten a bit complicated .... so be it. Whether I go two steps forward and one step back, or, one step forward and two steps back, I'm still facing in the right direction. This is a path that I'm on for the first time and I don't know where it will take me. But, this I do know: I know that I am a different Kim now. I know that whomever I'm meant to be with next will be different than Sue. I know that the dynamic of "us" will be different, but I also know that it can be just as good. I want just as good, I expect just as good and quite frankly, I deserve just as good.
