There I Am

Sometimes I'd like to just run away from myself
Find a place to hide
And leave myself behind
But every time I turn around - there I am
Still frightened, still cautious
Still carrying some doubt

And when I think I rose above it
And found my way through the fog
I'll catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror - and there I am
Still alone, still with a hole in my heart
Still wearing the weight of grief on my face

It's not easy to climb from despair
I might slip on the way
I might fall flat and have to start the climb all over again
But that's okay, each rung has a lesson for me
And I'm up for the challenge
And when I finally escape
This powerful grip - there I'll be

Sentimental Journey

I put up my Christmas tree last night. It's a small, old, artificial tree but very special, in a Charlie Brown kind of way.  It only stands about 2 1/2' feet tall and it's quite tattered. I acquired it from my grandmother after she passed away back in 2001. It was a tree that she used for many years. One by one I selected and hung ornaments of sentiment and significance.  For Sue, there are ornaments of dolphins, Eskimos, angels and Dallas Cowboys. I hung ornaments from when my children were little. I hung my Snoopy bullfighter for my family in Spain. I hung ornaments from my youth. I hung the ornament that had belonged to my Uncle Jack - he passed away in 1982. With each ornament came a flood of memories. Memories of the people, places and special times that we shared together. At one moment, my living room felt full of people from my past - true Christmas spirits! It was a wonderful journey!

Monday Meetings

This time last year I was part of an 8 week, support group for people who had lost their spouses. I was a reluctant participant. It took a lot for me to make the call to sign up. But, I knew that I needed to be with people who suffered the same loss as I did. You see, Sue's kids had each other and all the grandkids had each other and all of the friends had each other but I was the only wife.  My loss was different and a bit isolating. I needed to find that commonality with others.  I found it in The Center for Living with Dying at Bill Wilson Center http://www.billwilsoncenter.org/services/all/living.html . It was a closed group of the same 4 people plus the facilitating therapist and an intern. The staff at this place was great....supper great. The group consisted of me (I was the youngest person there and the only one with a same-sex spouse but never did they make me feel that my relationship was less valid that theirs), Bob who lost his wife after a 3 year battle with ovarian cancer, Kathy whose husband's death was sudden and unexpected, and Teri whose fiance' also died suddenly. We all lost our spouses around the same time but we were all different. We had different beliefs, religious and otherwise. We all carried our grief and pain differently. We all found comfort in different ways. We all mourned differently. We learned from each other. We were validated regarding the way we were coping.  I learned that whatever we did to get by and to feel better was OK. If going to the beach every week was what I needed to help my heal - that was OK. If having a banana split for dinner made me feel better - so be it. If lighting candles comforted me - that was fine. Whatever I needed for me was OK. I immediately saw the difference between Bob and I who had advanced notice of our loved ones terminal state versus Kathy and Teri and their sudden and shocking losses. Their pain and grief was compounded, concentrated and heavy. Bob and I had a head start on our grieving process and our load, although just as heavy, was more spread out and expected. I looked forward to those Monday night meetings (even though I was missing football) and I was sad when they ended. I got what I needed at the time from that group and I've carried those lessons with me ever since. I highly recommend support groups like this to anyone who is going through any kind of loss. Just knowing you are not alone is huge.

Leftovers

Ahhh....leftovers! That warm, full feeling deep in your gut. No, I'm not talking about gravy...I'm talking about the love.... the family.... the friends that I consider family. The genuine, heartfelt texts first thing in the morning wishing me a Happy Thanksgiving. My sister calling, sending her love and thanksgiving wishes. My parents and my brother and his kids that live in Spain. I promised to eat a little extra for them.... and I did...as they don't have a meal such as this over there. Friends that dropped by with hugs and greetings. It's about remembering and reflecting on those who are no longer with us. It's about enjoying the company of those who are with us. Both of my grown children shared the day with me. Tony had his feast earlier, in between his two shifts at work. Nicole helped me straighten the house and make the stuffing. Then, there's my other family. Sue's children Onne and Jason and they each have two children of their own. Onne, Blake (15) and Ian (11) live locally while Jason, Nataly (19) and Kevin (13) live in Los Angeles.  Yes, that means I have 4 grandchildren by marriage and it's wonderful! They call me Grandpa Kim... after all, I was with Sue for 10 years so I'm just about the only partner of hers that they remember. They make it easy to be part of the family....they have since the first time I met them. Onne and Blake joined me for dinner and dessert. Like usual, I enjoyed their company to the point of me always wanting more. Oh, let's not forget the mother-in-law.... that I don't visit as often as I should ... but that's how mother-in-laws go. Anyway, THAT is the warm, filling, yummy leftovers that I was referring to. Now, where's that chocolate cream pie?

Thankfuls

I'm thankful for the time I had with her
I'm thankful that we enjoyed every moment together
And every bit of each other
And the family and friends she left behind
I'm thankful to consider them mine
And those who stood beside me
Even when I could not see
It's because of you that I got through
And I'm thankful for my healing
I'm thankful for my growth
I accept the pain and tears
I choose not to let them stay
And I'm thankful for my faith
The force that sustains me
The Lord that brought her to me
I'm thankful to know one day
I'll meet her at the gates
We'll share a long embrace
And be together eternal
Ever after, plus a day


I have so much to be thankful for....so many blessing have been given to me.
Today I'm roasting a 6lb turkey breast with mashed potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce, corn, dinner rolls and a special guest will be bringing pies and ice cream!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

"F" Words

The fight that's deep inside of me
The fear that I won't let you see
Time moves fast and friends stay firm
Failure is not a word I've learned
Familiar feelings rise to surface
For better, for worse, I filled my purpose
Finding fragments of my past
Memories fade but love still lasts
The flash I had inked on my flesh
The force that keeps me full and fresh
The fire that burns inside my core
The fuel that keeps me flaming strong
Forgiving of humanity
Forsaking negativity
Faith in the footprints that carry me
The peace that flows all over me
And frees me of my pain

How Do I Do It?

I'm a very open and honest person and I'll share my truth with just about anyone who'll ask.  I am also a private person and won't volunteer any information without a nudge. Well, I get nudged a lot and that's OK because I've found that when I share pieces of myself , there's the possibility that I just might enlighten you in the process ....and me too.  So, how do I do it? How do I get through my devastating loss? How do I get through the holidays? Notice that I did not put those questions in past tense form as I am no where near being done with getting through. Keep in mind that what works for me might not work the same for you. No smoke and mirrors. Nothing up my sleeve. No Wonder Woman tactics .....um....err.... sorry, I distracted myself with that Wonder Woman reference ;-) Anyway, these are the tools for my healing process (in no particular order):  A leave of absense from work- to care for myself since I was no longer being the caregiver; unconditional support from my family and friends and people I haven't even met with a little group therapy on the side; my revived faith, the fact that I hold no regret, guilt or shame regarding the relationship that I had with Sue or the events that lead to her passing; humor and finding the funny even in the ugliest of things; music- the louder the better; self-pampering -which includes stuff like: deep tissue massages, random acts of chocolate, loving myself (and you can take that however you want); being silly, day trips to the beach, cloud watching, etc.; inner peace and giving into those sporadic emotional breakdowns rather than fighting them, which is not easy for the control freak that I am.  It's just easier to go with the flow.  And maybe time does mend or maybe it's just knowing that I got through yesterday so I can get through today, and so on, and so on again.  And I've learned that as soon as I think I've figured out grief.... it throws me a curve.  When I think the holiday or anniversary will be hard and filled with sadness and tears..... it's not.  Instead, I might have a random grief attack on some event-less Tuesday in the middle of whatever month. Even though I have every reason and right to curl up in a ball and never let the sunlight ever touch my face again, I believe that if I don't continue to thrive and succeed at this life that's left for me... then that would be a waste of Sue's life lessons.  I know what she wants for me. I know what I want for myself. I am transforming at this very moment. I am a work in progress. Be patient with me.

Things You Need the Most

A certain church mouse friend recently told me of her favorite poem that a wrote a long time ago. (It's in my previously published book of poems titled "Inside Out" which I am no longer selling but I'll gladly send you a copy if you email me at ks12699 at yahoo.com with your mailing address)  So, to refresh my memory, I re-read that entry and I connected with it all over again.  And I'd like to share it with you now because sometimes we need little reminders, when we feel like we've lost it all, that all we really have to do to survive - is to get back to the basics.

Here it is:

The things that you need the most
The Father, Son and Holy Ghost
You abandoned long ago.
Now hollow, cold and all alone
You search for something new
Just to get you through.
The hard times still are bad
And you forgot what friends you had
Now who'll be there to take your hand
And watch as you grow old?
Time for secrets to be told
The mystery now unfolds
Of loves not meant to be
Was it all too clear to see?
And now too much time is lost
Burnt bridges can't be crossed
And was it worth the cost?
So much pain and despair
Just to be treated fair
The truth was something rare.
Now that your story's known to all
You wonder who will take the fall
And loved ones that you recall
Look at you through judging eyes
It's all part of your sacrifice
But doesn't freedom sure feel nice?
And isn't it about time
To get get back all you've left behind
Those things that you need the most
The Father, Son and Holy Ghost.

Random Acts

So, I ask you. Have you done any random acts of kindness today?  Have you paid it forward lately?  What are you waiting for?  Just do it...and then keep on doing it. Once is not enough.

Here is an example of a random act of kindness that I received (in greeting card form) not too long ago from a complete stranger across the country who happened to take the time to read a year old, discarded obituary that wrapped some flowers. (My imagination says they were Sunflowers)

8-18-10, D. Nutley from High Falls, New York writes:

"Oddly, I've never met Sue. You see I'm a florist and flowers are shipped to my shop from around the world - often wrapped in newspaper from the locals where they are grown and packed. So today I opened a box of flowers and was greeted by Sue's smile and the happy loving story of her life and the sad news that she is no longer here. I want you to know that she still touches people and that I'm happy to know that there are or were people like Sue. You are lucky to have had her. I hope this reaches you and that you all have the strength to continue her good work."

PLEASE CHECK OUT THIS KIND FLORISTS WEBSITE  http://www.visitvortex.com/Green_Cottage
http://www.thegreencottage.com/

Back To Good

Eventually,

The pain will end

And my heart will mend

I’ll make new friends

And someone will interest me again.

Apparently,

The best place to hide

Is in plain sight

Distracting my mind

And walking by my side.

Suddenly,

My plan does fall apart

As I fall for her hard

No going back to start

She’s already touched my heart.

Finally,

I’m getting back to good

I knew someday I would

And so it’s not misunderstood

I’m ready to get back to good.

(written 3-29-10)

The New Me

I’ve mourned and transformed

Into something I never use to be.

And when it’s all said and done

I hope I like the new me.

When the sand has settled

And the tide has turned,

When peace finds my soul

And my heart no longer yearns,

I hope I like what I see.

The change that was strange

Is now comfort to me.

I almost can’t wait to meet the new me.

When laugh lines begin to hide

My tear stained cheek

I’ll be sent love from up above

Then metamorphous is complete.

I’ll walk higher and burn with desire

You just wait and see – the new me!

(written 1-5-10)

When I Fall

And when I fall, I fall deep,

As deep as the dark will take me.

But when I hit bottom

I always seem to land on

Soft and loving memories

That lift me up again.

And again I’ll fall

And fall very hard

But I know you’ll catch me

And help me to rise again.

And for the better you know,

So I’ll let you go

And I’ll let you be

Until I need you again, when I fall.

(written 12-12-09)

Answered Prayers

When I was lost in the darkness

She took my hand, showed me the light

That led my path and walked beside me ‘til the end.

And I was the answer to her prayer.

She eased me when I was troubled.

She calmed me while I was in mid-roar

And carried me when I couldn’t go on anymore.

She believed in me and taught me to believe in myself.

She loved me so then I began to love myself.

She inspired me and gave me hope

That my dreams would come true - and they did.

And I was the answer to her prayer

She laughed and cried with me.

She rocked and rolled with me.

She took me to places unreal with beauty

And no minute was ever wasted.

And she took me to the highest of highs

And I soaked in pools of bliss.

Then she took me to the depths of despair

When she rose to the heavens, I fell to my knees.

And I was the answer to her prayer,

Or was she the answer to mine?

(written 11-28-09)  Sue always said that she prayed for me and there I was - the answer to her prayer. Ditto babe!

12lbs. of Tears

The things I thought I couldn’t do – I did.

The pain that I chose not to share – I hid.

The worst has come of all my fears

And it’s only been 4 months and 12lbs. of tears

The sneaky grief attacks still taunt me

The “what if’s” and “should’ve’s” still haunt me

Maybe someday they’ll disappear

But it’s only been 4 months and 12lbs. of tears

I don’t know what will become of me

This new life without the better part of me

Maybe my prayers He will someday hear

But it’s only been 4 months and 12 lbs. of tears

And the beat goes on or that’s what they say

The clock keeps ticking and I’m getting through the day

But the pain is always under a thin veneer

‘Cause it’s only been 4 months and 12lbs. of tears

(Written 11-26-09)  I assumed the weight that I had lost shortly after Sue passed away was from the amount of tears I had cried.

Football Fan Follies

So, all of you true football fans will get this. I'm both proud and embarrassed by the following act.  The other day while valiantly cheering for my Pittsburgh Steelers I sustained an official football injury:  While vigorously swinging my one of my "terrible towels" over my head (I have 3 of them) I then decided to go into a thunderous hand clapping thus jamming my right index finger into my left palm quite forcefully. OUCH!!!! I had to keep my finger taped for a week it hurt so bad. Official football injury - you can't make this stuff up!

To Follow You

How wrong would it be

If I joined you tonight

Turn my back on this life

Leave it all behind me?

How long would it take

For my breath to escape

And my soul separate

From the rest of me?

How low must I get?

All the tears that I’ve spent

And the prayer’s that I’ve sent

As God looks right through me.

How much pain must I feel?

Will these wounds ever heal?

Will my scars be concealed

To reveal the new me?


(I wrote this in November of 2009)