Monday Meetings

This time last year I was part of an 8 week, support group for people who had lost their spouses. I was a reluctant participant. It took a lot for me to make the call to sign up. But, I knew that I needed to be with people who suffered the same loss as I did. You see, Sue's kids had each other and all the grandkids had each other and all of the friends had each other but I was the only wife.  My loss was different and a bit isolating. I needed to find that commonality with others.  I found it in The Center for Living with Dying at Bill Wilson Center http://www.billwilsoncenter.org/services/all/living.html . It was a closed group of the same 4 people plus the facilitating therapist and an intern. The staff at this place was great....supper great. The group consisted of me (I was the youngest person there and the only one with a same-sex spouse but never did they make me feel that my relationship was less valid that theirs), Bob who lost his wife after a 3 year battle with ovarian cancer, Kathy whose husband's death was sudden and unexpected, and Teri whose fiance' also died suddenly. We all lost our spouses around the same time but we were all different. We had different beliefs, religious and otherwise. We all carried our grief and pain differently. We all found comfort in different ways. We all mourned differently. We learned from each other. We were validated regarding the way we were coping.  I learned that whatever we did to get by and to feel better was OK. If going to the beach every week was what I needed to help my heal - that was OK. If having a banana split for dinner made me feel better - so be it. If lighting candles comforted me - that was fine. Whatever I needed for me was OK. I immediately saw the difference between Bob and I who had advanced notice of our loved ones terminal state versus Kathy and Teri and their sudden and shocking losses. Their pain and grief was compounded, concentrated and heavy. Bob and I had a head start on our grieving process and our load, although just as heavy, was more spread out and expected. I looked forward to those Monday night meetings (even though I was missing football) and I was sad when they ended. I got what I needed at the time from that group and I've carried those lessons with me ever since. I highly recommend support groups like this to anyone who is going through any kind of loss. Just knowing you are not alone is huge.