How Do I Do It?

I'm a very open and honest person and I'll share my truth with just about anyone who'll ask.  I am also a private person and won't volunteer any information without a nudge. Well, I get nudged a lot and that's OK because I've found that when I share pieces of myself , there's the possibility that I just might enlighten you in the process ....and me too.  So, how do I do it? How do I get through my devastating loss? How do I get through the holidays? Notice that I did not put those questions in past tense form as I am no where near being done with getting through. Keep in mind that what works for me might not work the same for you. No smoke and mirrors. Nothing up my sleeve. No Wonder Woman tactics .....um....err.... sorry, I distracted myself with that Wonder Woman reference ;-) Anyway, these are the tools for my healing process (in no particular order):  A leave of absense from work- to care for myself since I was no longer being the caregiver; unconditional support from my family and friends and people I haven't even met with a little group therapy on the side; my revived faith, the fact that I hold no regret, guilt or shame regarding the relationship that I had with Sue or the events that lead to her passing; humor and finding the funny even in the ugliest of things; music- the louder the better; self-pampering -which includes stuff like: deep tissue massages, random acts of chocolate, loving myself (and you can take that however you want); being silly, day trips to the beach, cloud watching, etc.; inner peace and giving into those sporadic emotional breakdowns rather than fighting them, which is not easy for the control freak that I am.  It's just easier to go with the flow.  And maybe time does mend or maybe it's just knowing that I got through yesterday so I can get through today, and so on, and so on again.  And I've learned that as soon as I think I've figured out grief.... it throws me a curve.  When I think the holiday or anniversary will be hard and filled with sadness and tears..... it's not.  Instead, I might have a random grief attack on some event-less Tuesday in the middle of whatever month. Even though I have every reason and right to curl up in a ball and never let the sunlight ever touch my face again, I believe that if I don't continue to thrive and succeed at this life that's left for me... then that would be a waste of Sue's life lessons.  I know what she wants for me. I know what I want for myself. I am transforming at this very moment. I am a work in progress. Be patient with me.