The New Year

I'm looking forward to the new year, new beginnings, new chances and changes.  Somehow, I think that the year 2011 will make me feel a little more removed from certain events, not people or feelings, just certain events.  Do you know what I mean? I hear that the double number 1 in 2011 should bring luck, although I don't think that I believe in luck, I also won't dismiss it .... I'll take whatever I can get.  I don't make resolutions anymore ... that's just setting myself up for failure. I'm hopeful that this new year will bring me continued healing and recovery. Gosh, I love the word hope. It keeps me at the edge of my seat. It's almost thrill-like for me imagining all the possibilities that are out there. I hope that the new year will bring you good health and happiness and wonderful experiences. Happy New Year everyone! Salute!

Recovery

I know someone who's position in the family was not validated and when she lost her fiance', his family came in and took everything that belonged to him, leaving her with absolutely nothing. I felt so bad for her. I'm so very thankful that Sue's family was the exact opposite of that. My position and title of "wife" was validated by them and it mattered. I mattered. We worked very well together even with the most difficult decisions. We have shared events so powerful that they will keep us bonded forever. One thing I have learned from the grieving process is the importance of  adhering to my needs, on my time line, no one else's. For example, I decided, when it felt right to me, to stop wearing my wedding ring. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I was no longer married. I decided what items of remembrance I would keep out or put away. Don't let anyone make those decisions for you.  It has to be the way you want it and when it feels right to you. In the beginning, I had lots and lots of photos and mementos around the house. It's what I needed at the time. Gradually, I was able to decrease those objects and now I feel comfortable with just a few choice pieces. I was given a book by a friend, that I used as a guide only, titled "Finding Your Way after Your Spouse Dies" by Marta Felber.  She combines her professional counseling and her own experience with loss as a resource for others.  Yes, I read the book! Now, for those of you that know how much I dislike reading, we will pause just long enough for you to regain consciousness. Okay.... is everyone upright again? Good. I also read the collection of poems by Mary Oliver in her book titled "Thirst".  Her poems share her pain and process of losing her partner of 40 years.  I'm glad to have learned that the mourning process was temporary. I'm also glad to have learned that the grieving process was temporary. I believe that I am now in recovery. I am on my way back and with most cases of recovery, I have to take it one day at a time. My days are mostly easy now, but there are some days that are still hard to get through. That's just the way it goes.... recovery.

Blood Ties

On June 30th, 1986 - I had a tubal pregnancy. My fallopian tube had burst and I was bleeding internally, very lethargic and had no idea any of this was happening. Papa, who was at my apartment days before scheduled because Spain had lost in an early round of the World Cup, took one look at my gray and clammy skin and knew something was wrong. He carried me down the stairs of my apartment just as Grandpa Angelo was pulling up, quite unexpectedly, in his long white Cadillac. They sped me off to San Jose Hospital's trauma center. I had lost 4 units of blood, one fallopian tube, my blood pressure was at zero and  I needed emergency, life saving surgery. In and out of consciousness, I remember bits and pieces. I remember the rush of what seemed like a dozen medical people all working on different parts of me. I remember the trauma suit being put on me and the table that I was on tilted me upside down. I remember my abdomen being very distended and painful.  I especially remember one ER nurse in particular. It seemed that her sole purpose was to hold my hand and tell me that everything was going to be alright. I'll never forget her. Obviously, everything turned out okay for me that day but there were a lot of people and plenty of higher power that made all of those parts come together: Papa and grandpa were not even expected at my place that day. The four blood transfusions, quite possibly from four different people. A medical staff that came together and did what they were trained to do....and then some. The grand puppeteer that put all of those people at the right place and time just for me to have a second chance at life. It was a long time ago but never far from my mind.

Today I gave a blood donation to the American Red Cross, as I regularly do. It makes me feel good to give back and I'm living proof of how a single person can make a difference.  http://www.redcross.org/

Traditions

It's natural to get sentimental during the holidays but no matter when I get sentimental, as in "home sick", I either play music from Spain or make food from Spain. No, Spain is not my home, I am a California girl, but most of my family is in Spain.  My Mom, Papa, brother and his two kids all live in Valencia. So when I get "home sick", what I really mean is: I miss my mommy. Because the Christmas music has filled my CD player today, I will be cooking migas and empanadillas.  Migas (crumbs) doesn't sound very exciting, it' just chorizo with fried dough with the look and feel of a dry cereal but it's oh so yummy! Empanadillas (empanadas) are filled with sauteed tuna in tomato sauce and bell peppers, wrapped in dough and baked until brown and yummy. This will be my first attempt at empanadillas.  I've made migas every Christmas morning for the last ten years now with the exception of last year. I guess wherever my mind was this time last year, I simply and completely forgot to make them.  I suppose that means that I will have to eat twice as much this year. Oh well, we all make sacrifices :-)  I don't hang up stockings any more... that's a little too 'in your face' that one is missing. It's a quiet and peaceful day but very warm and special too. Last night a good friend of mine invited me to Christmas Eve mass at the Santa Clara Mission Church. It was a beautiful mass and I'm glad that I went. Tomorrow my children and I will try to get to my sister's house and exchange gifts with her and her family.  I'm off of work until Jan. 3rd and loving every bit of it!  Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good......LIFE!

(the photo above is of the migas that I made for breakfast)

Friends

I can't even imagine managing my loss all alone.... that would be true devastation. I am always aware of the great blessings I have in my friends.  I have awesome friends. I consider my family as my friends and I consider my friends as if they are my family. There is nothing superficial about my friendships.... they are very deep and very true.  I have a handful of friends that I've held close for over 34 years and many more that just feel that long (in a good way). All of my friends have always been so very supportive of me but never more so than with Sue's illness and passing.  I knew that their offerings were most genuine and heartfelt and there were those that acknowledged being distant on purpose, knowing that that was what I needed at the time. Sometimes just knowing they were there was comforting. No conversation or other sentiments would have made me feel any better.  Sometimes silence is the best gift. My friends are with me for the duration.  I know that if I ever call upon them.... they will be there for me.....doing whatever I need.  And, I make it very clear that I will do the same for them.... in a second!  That's how true friendships work.  I don't want the notice of my many friends to be discouraging to anyone reading this.  If you take inventory and feel that you fall short, then you are mistaken.  Please know that all you really ever need is one, true friend.... that person whom you trust and who will listen and let you lean on them.  And if you think that you don't even have that...... then look to your faith.  Your faith, whatever it may be, will always be your truest, fastest most constant friend.

(This post is dedicated to all of my wonderful friends... my old friends, my new friends and the friends that I haven't even met yet!  I sincerely thank you all.)

Spin Control

There's a scene from the movie Tango & Cash where Kurt Russell and Sylvester Stallone are in an all terrain vehicle headed into the enemy's compound to kill all the bad guys or die trying. The driver (Russell), turns to Stallone and says: "I have some good news and bad news." Stallone asks for the bad news first. Russell replies: "We're almost out of gas." Then Stallone asks for the good news and Russell replies: "We're ALMOST out of gas"

One way of coping for me is to try to always be an optimist. It takes a lot of practice and it's not always easy but whatever "spin" I can put to a negative situation to make me feel better about..... I'll do. You can apply such spin to just about any situation. For example: Sue is no longer here physically. That is very true, but when she was here physically, in human form, she couldn't always be with me. She had work, family responsibilities, she socialized with friends and so on.  But, in spirit form, she is everywhere! She can be with me anytime I want. She can be at the beach, beside me on the couch or even in my back pocket. You see what I just did? That's spin! Sometimes so much spin is needed that I take a Dramamine. And sometimes you just have to roll with the punches but instead of just accepting change, take charge of it. It's all about convincing myself that, not only is the glass half full, but there are a couple of Oreo cookies next to it!

Catharsis

Definition of catharsis:
    a) a purification or purgation of emotions primarily through art
    b) a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension
    c) elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression


I would have to add  d) all of the above. Yep, that's what writing does for me! I have always felt the need to write out my feelings, issues, thoughts, troubles, etc. I write about things and people that impact me. We forget how powerful words can be. They can make someone laugh. They can make someone cry. They can provoke thought and even bloodshed. They can make you fall in love. My words heal me in three ways. First: writing them down is a way of getting them out of me, freeing my mind, heart and soul of its current burden. Second: once it's on paper, I can better assess, analyze, reflect and pick it apart to look at it from various angles. Third: reading them, sometimes years later, will remind me of what I was going through at the time and that I survived it. That is a great confidence booster. I know I got through that, so I can get through this. And, if I get through this then I can get through whatever comes next. This approach has worked for me for over thirty years and I still count on it today......obviously.

There's so much that we can learn from the experiences of others and it's a shame we don't take the time to stop and share more often than we do. I guess I'm just hoping that someone might gain something from my experience.... even if it's.... what NOT to do. Hey, even that's something!

Phoenix

Risen from the ashes,
Given second chances,
Seeing all the damage
As I fly over the fray.

I'll shake off the soot,
Give myself a look
And get use to the new skin I'm in.

Soon enough they'll find me,
The voices from inside me,
Of past lives left behind me
I'll tuck them under my wing.

With a change in attitude,
From a whole new altitude,

My destination's unknown.


(My next tattoo will be a phoenix!)

A Beach of a Day!

Today I spent the day at the beach. The sun woke and the fog broke about 15 minutes before I got there. I knew it was going to be a good day! Now, let's see if I can explain what the beach means to me. First of all, the sights are never ending and ever changing and I witness it all from my comfy folding chair with footrest. The weather was so nice that I was quickly down to my short sleeve shirt (and pants of course)! I saw surfers, kayakers, people walking their dogs, people fishing and people on horseback (which is better than horses on peopleback).  Sail boats and fishing boats helps to fill the frame. The roar and crash of the waves, the blue of the sky and ocean, sand and shells under foot, nosey seal gives me a look. There were otter, gulls, pelicans and sandpipers. The wind in my hair, the sun on my face, the mist like a kiss on my cheek. I feel so far from home, bills and responsibilities and I'm quite thankful for no cell phone service too. It's so beautiful, peaceful and tranquil here. It surrounds me and grounds me and puts me in my place. Sundays like this make it okay to skip church and yes, even football. God is here. Sue is here. Needless to say, I'm in good company. I'm by myself but not alone. Then; when you think it can't get any better than this, I walk about 40 yards to Phil's Fish Market behind me. I order my charbroiled salmon with rice and salad for lunch and a slice of chocolate mousse (heaven) for dessert...... TO GO! Now, I'm back having my yummy lunch on the beach with all this beauty and nature around me. True California dreaming! I'm revived, rejuvenated, renewed, released and at peace. I'm full in my tummy and fulfilled in my soul. I could sum up the entire day with these three letters: WOW!

(photo taken 12-12-10)

The Quilt Project

On one of my sleepless nights during the latter part of Sue's illness, I wondered what I was going to do with all her clothes?  Then, soon enough, I was faced with that challenge. I remembered that my supervisor, along with several other campus co-workers, were part of a quilting group.  I asked if they would be willing to make quilts out of Sue's clothing for her kids, grand kids and me? They generously agreed to help me transform t-shirts, dress shirts, sweatshirts and pajama pants into 3' x 4' comfort quilts. Although I do not quilt; I don't even sew so-so, I did have my work cut out for me. I had to go through all of her wearable belongings and decide what would be used for the quilts. I then had to cut perfect 12" squares (as many as I could get) out of her simple wardrobe. Then I had to decide who would get what piece and where it would be placed in the quilt. This was a very time consuming project and I'm thankful for that.  It kept me busy both mentally and physically. It took me down memory lane, recalling events, moments and places that emerged from each item. I put a lot of thought into what pieces may have special meaning to its recipient. And I certainly had to make sure that everyone got a piece of tie-dye and Dallas Cowboys! Once all those decisions were made, we (the quilting group) spent half a day adding the batting, backing and assembling the rows. Four people split the task of actually quilting a total of six quilts. The quilts went to the four grandchildren (pictured above Christmas 2009), myself and Sue's daughter. My supervisor and I made pillows out of smaller squares of clothing for Sue's son, her mom and a few close friends. It took close to three months to complete the process  - just in time for our first Christmas without Sue. The ladies from the quilting group are more than quilters and co-workers; they are very dear friends of mine. They spent their valuable time and talent to give something so special to me and my family. They helped us with purpose, healing and uplifting comfort. I can't express how much I appreciate them and the process of taking something in one form and turning it into another form. I'm proud to say that they have adopted me into their group. Now, we can wrap ourselves in fabric that once wrapped Sue. I assure you that these cuddly creations  are continually getting used and reflected upon. This was an important piece of  healing for me. Thank you again!

The Lange Foundation

Part of my healing process is to do the best I can at scattering random seeds of kindness. This was a big part of how Sue lived her life. One seed in particular is The Lange Foundation. Although Sue never got the chance to know them, we, as a family, have found healing with this specific non-profit organization. I'll let you do your own research on them but please know that we have personally toured their locations, met the wonderful people, animals and volunteers and seen the good deeds being done. Oliver was adopted from there and Nataly has volunteered there. I know that these are tough financial times, but if you have it in your budget to give even the smallest amount to a non-profit, then I ask you to please consider The Lange Foundation. The following link should be able to answer any questions you may have about them:   http://www.langefoundation.com/index/Home.html   They are good people, doing good work, just for the love of animals. They too are struggling to keep their buildings open and running for the sake of the countless abandoned pets. At Sue's memorial, we asked for donations to The Lange Foundation in lieu of flowers. To date, $68,000 has been donated in Sue's name.  The photo above is of the plaque over the doorway of the west wing in St. Bonnie's Sanctuary. The west wing is where the sick animals are housed while they are being nursed back to health. This is such an appropriate memorial.  Sue's love for animals equalled her love for children and she had to choose which would be her career path. She chose caring for, educating and nurturing children for most of her adult life, with animals coming in a close second. I can't tell you how many times we've pulled to the side of the road, mid-route, to rescue a lost, hurt or abandoned animal. And in our many travels we would always stop to pet the goats or just watch the dolphin and otter swim by. One day, I came home to hear Sue's story of finding a bunch of ducklings roaming our neighborhood, without adult duck supervision.  She used a couple of empty laundry baskets to capture them and then drove them to a local park where many a duck has enjoyed the pond and surrounding areas. That was just her way. There are little pieces of Sue everywhere out there but none more obvious than on the face of a dog or cat, lizard or snake .... or any animal for that matter. Thank you for you consideration and happy seed scattering to you!

Today is the 30th anniversary of John Lennon's death.  Imagine!

Dec. 6, 1999

Today is the anniversary of my first date and first kiss with Sue. In typical Kim fashion, I was the last to realize that it was a real "date".  Yes, I asked her to go with me. Yes, I brought her flowers, (insert your eye rolling here) but I am always chivalrous like that. In my mind, I was going to dinner and a concert with 3 friends. I had no idea that Sue had a crush on me. I had no idea that while I was  focusing my attention on the concert, she was focusing her attention on me. And no one was more shocked that I was when she kissed me, on the lips, after taking her back to her car that night. Wow! It was as though a lightning bolt had passed through me, from head to toe. A simple little peck on the lips was all it took. I was done. I was out for the count. This was it. She was it for me. It was a life altering moment for both of us and I mean that quite literally. I can't imagine where my life would be if she didn't have the courage to kiss me that night. I like to always try to celebrate this day for all the life altering possibilities that are out there. They are out there for all of us. Sometimes, they are sitting right next to you and you don't even know it.  Be open to the possibilities.

Pictured from left to right: Dina, Claudia, Kim & Sue
Photo dated 12-6-99

Crash

She crashed hard into me
Left a mark inside of me
Felt the sting but did not bleed;
She was warm and unexpected
And my hope she resurrected
She woke up my senses
And tore down some fences
And I will always be grateful for that.

Now we'll keep each other as friends
And I'll keep the umbrella of black
And I'll take my hope restored
And wear my resolve on my skin
And the crash I'll never forget
And the beautiful dent that it left
Will stay with me forever.

The Gift

Sometimes, the person giving the gift gets more out of the exchange than the recipient.....not this time.

This gift was given to me by someone I dated.....okay, the ONLY person I've dated since Sue. It was brief but powerful. Was it too soon after Sue's death? Probably.  Was it a mistake? Absolutely not! You see, she came to me at a time when things were very dark. My nights were restless and filled with ugly thoughts and images of death and reminders of the sounds and smells of dying. Doubts about if I had done enough or if what I did do could have been done better, haunted and tormented me. It was brutal. And there's no way I could ever describe the kind of pain I suffered with the loss of my wife. It's a pain so deep that I thought it would grow roots and stay with me forever. But eventually, the pain broke off, bit by bit and fell away, but in it's place was a numbness. The numbness was far more scary than the pain. I feared I may never feel anything again. And if I did feel... what would I feel?  Would I feel angry? Would I feel sorry for myself? Would I be bitter?  Then she came to me and it was wonderful in so many ways.  My nights were then filled with pleasant thoughts and images and I had reminders of soft textures and scents, hearty laughter, meaningful conversation, yummy dinners & dancing.  They brought many a distraction to my mind and smile to my face. I began to FEEL again!  I felt joy again! I felt warm and nervous again!  I felt awkward. I felt attracted and yes, even attractive again!  Like a spell had been lifted, I was feeling again. This was a huge gift! It gave me hope. It was the light at the end of my dark tunnel. It was re-assurance that I could fall in love again ..... someday.  How do you thank someone for that?

Waiting for Great

It's true, I'm getting back to good
But there are varying degrees of good.
Sometimes I'm good plus two,
Sometimes I'm good minus eight,
But we all have those days
While getting back to great.

And sometimes I go to the dark
And sit and drown for a while.
I've learned to embrace the shadows
Like a cool and quiet friend,
A contemplative state
To find answers within,
That the light might blind me from seeing.

I don't know how long it will take
For me to get back to great?
You'll probably see the great in me long before I do.
I always seem to be that last to know, what I know.

Just Kim

"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us."   
                                       - Alexander Graham Bell

I'm beginning to understand that quote. I'm just realizing all the opportunities/blessings/lessons that have come to me since Sue's death. Don't get me wrong.... if I could go back to the way things were - I would in a second... but, that's out of my hands. So, we make do with what we have left and we hesitantly peek into those opened doors. I think the two most important things that I've learned about myself would be: Just how strong I am....in all aspects....physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc.  What I thought I could not survive.....I did. I'm continually amazed at my own determination and will and I don't say that in a bragging way at all.  I have also learned how to be just Kim again and that is probably the hardest thing to admit.  I was "Kim and ________" for 14 years and then I went immediately into "Kim and Sue" for 10 years and now I'm.......just Kim. Single, is not my comfort zone, at all. I'm just better at being in a partnership. Single is a strange, foreign and awkward place for me .......right now anyway.  Maybe I'll be posting something entirely different in the near future? I only know the path behind me - I have no idea what's ahead......kind of exciting, huh?

** Today is World AIDS Day **