My Final Post

I didn't realize when I first created this blog and named it "To Heal and Back", that one day I'd be back and all the healing would be behind me, and I would no longer need this blog. I think that time has come. I've healed and now I'm back, and as sad as it is to leave this blog behind, I'd much rather take this time to enjoy the new love I've found and the life that's ahead of me. I guess this blog was yet another piece of closure for me and it has served it's purpose. I realize that I will still have some bad days and floods of memories and tears may find me here and there and I'll allow myself to give into those moments. I'll take all that I've learned from this journey and continue to use it wisely. I sincerely thank the hundreds of people for peeking in and sharing my process with me. I hope that you have gained something from my writings. I hope you find successful healing for whatever suffering you may be going through.       I wish you peace.

This new person in my life is very good to me and very good for me. I am very happy and my heart is filled to capacity again. I'm so thankful that I've been able to share Sue with her. She's so very understanding and overall amazing. I know I have Sue's blessing. I'm back ... so I can now move forward.
Here I go......

Muscle Flexing

I’ve been challenged to write about muscles. Well, I do love a challenge!  If I’m to write about a specific muscle related to the theme of this blog, then that muscle would have to be the heart. And yes, I’ve looked it up – the heart can be considered both a muscle and an organ. So, the heart, like any other muscle needs a daily workout, can be hurt, broken and then will need extensive rehab in order to function properly again. I’ve been there and done that! My heart was exercised daily, then it ached for months and then it broke into pieces … barely beating at all - then, slowly but surely, it began to heal and mend, and it amazingly was able to put itself back together again.  Then I started a new routine of exercising it, until it got stronger and stronger and eventually strong enough to handle the full force of love again. I like seeing the heart as a muscle. As a muscle, we can have more control over its success or failure; less so with an organ. The heart is an amazing muscle, so strong and yet so fragile. I am in awe at how it can reject, recall and revive.

I overworked a few muscles the other day. I was sore for days, but it felt good. It's as though with every ache of that sore muscle it was really saying: thank you, thank you for the much needed workout. I plan to continue with this new workout regiment. I’m giving back to the physical-ness that carries me. I’m contributing a little bit, here and there, so it will last me that much longer. It’s an investment.
No pain, no gain!   Feel the burn!   Pass the Bengay!

Second Chances

I feel like I have come full circle, wrestled all my demons and evolved into this new skin I'm in. I've reconciled my doubt and stared down the face of my fears. I hold no regrets ... none that are large enough to mention. I carry no guilt or shame. I feel like a brand new person with a brand new life ahead of me. I've reconciled most, if not all, of the feelings that lingered from my prior life. I feel great! I feel eager to explore the adventures that lay before me. I take each new step with hope and excitement .... leaps and bounds of faith. Those who wish to travel this uncharted road with me are more than welcome to. Those who don't wish to join me, need to step out of my way. I will not let anyone or anything hinder my progress. I will climb over, veer around, tunnel under and quite possibly bore right through the obstacles. There's no stopping me now! To quote Chaka Khan: "I'm every woman, it's all in me"! This is my second chance at life (as a mature adult anyway).  This is my second chance with true love (now that I know what that is). Second chances do not imply that there will ever be a third or fourth chance.  A second chance, may actually be your final chance .... so, don't even think of waisting it. Grab on, hold tight, and don't let go until this life has come to a complete stop. I plan to ride this second chance until there is no breath left in me. I'm taking it all the way .... with all that I've got.

My mother-in-law, Sue's Mom, is losing her own battle with cancer right now.  Seeing her recently has reminded me of one of her prior hospital stays. I visited her as she was getting ready to go into surgery and she, I guess, felt that she would not survive it when she asked me if I had any message that she could pass on to Sue. I assured her that I had no message for Sue. I made it clear that Sue and I had never left anything unsaid. We always told each other how we felt about each other, every chance we had.

Tie-Dye Guy

I guess I'll have to do a little story telling for this post to be more understandable. Sue loved tie-dye! She was drawn to it, she wore it, she just loved it!  So, while preparing for our wedding, I decided to surprise her with a custom tie-dyed tuxedo shirt.  Not the bright rainbow colored fake tie-dye that can be seen from the space station (which she did wear and we all kinda hated) but a more dark and subdued tie-dye made up of dark purples, dark blues and a bit of dark red. It was my way of giving her what she wanted but still having it my way too. I think that qualifies as compromise? Or, is it controlling? Anyway, my next challenge was who could be trusted with this tie-dying task for such a special occasion?  Well, I have a good friend Christine, who acted as my tie-dye connection. She loves the little town of Guerneville and befriended David, who does all of his own tie-dying and has made many custom pieces for Christine. If she trusted him...then so did I.  I bought a tuxedo shirt (white, 100% cotton) and sent it to Christine, who then delivered it to David with my specific hand written instructions. Through Christine, I heard how truly honored David was to be asked to make a piece for such a special occasion. The shirt came out exactly as I expected and Sue was very pleased with her surprise. Of course it was only months later that Sue passed away and when Christine gave the news to David, she said he was absolutely devastated. We had never even met the guy but he was part of making our special day, perfect. His emotions were as if he had known us for years. He really cared for us, even if we were strangers. Well, this weekend I was invited to Guerneville to spend the weekend with friends, and finally, after two years, I got to meet David. I got to hug him (a few times) and give him a proper thank you for being a part of our special day, and for being an all around nice guy.  Another little piece of closure.

Pictured above is Sue in the tie-dyed tuxedo shirt, with her granddaughter Nataly, on the day of our double beach ceremony in Pacific Grove, CA on 10-25-08

David's shop address: Seconds First, 16365 Main St., Guerneville, CA (707) 869-2211

Star Struck

A falling star floats down and gently lands on your arm. A shooting star, on the other hand, shoots straight towards you and pleasantly pierces you in the heart. Although this particular star is nothing but gentle, she has struck me with the force of a comet, while rings of euphoria orbit around me and spin me, until I see stars. I like this planet I'm on. I enjoy walking through these clouds. This atmosphere is good for my soul. I'll be staying a while.

Happy Birthday Ms. Stahr!

The "C" Word

2010 walk team!

Breast cancer, colon cancer, ovarian cancer.... for me, the word "cancer" is so devastating that it no longer matters what words come before or after it. Even "cancer free" doesn't sound all that freeing to the mind ... you're still forever linked, scarred and leery. It's a very powerful word. A word so familiar, that I dare you to find a single person who has no connection to cancer. And when it attaches itself to someone, it attaches itself to many. It affects families, friends and futures. It does not discriminate between rich or poor, black or white, sinner or saint. My wife died of small bowel cancer, specifically, stage 4, Mucinous Andenocarcinoma of the intestines. I've tried to think of something just as powerful to combat it. Love? Well, if love was all it took, my wife would still be here. Money? Well, that just might work ... it certainly couldn't hurt. Is it possible to put enough money into treatments, options and research for cures? God, I hope so. As I type this, other families are going through what mine went through and I can't just sit by and let that happen. This year, I will once again be supporting my "other daughter" Onne, at the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer / San Francisco. Her walk team is called the 911 Angels because they are all part of San Jose Police Department's 911 call takers. As a team, we have been doing this for several years now. "We" - as in she does the training and walking and suffering and I write a check, show up, holler, cheer, clap, wave and cry (not necessarily in that order). Hey, we all play a part. Oh yeah, I even wear pink! And I have the pictures to prove it!  Here is the link for you to support however you see fit:   http://www.avonwalk.org/san-francisco/
Let's obliterate that "C" word once and for all! After all, we are all on the same side. Go Team!

Change

Listening to Sista Monica sing Ella's song "Change" the other night got me thinking of some big changes that are happening to me at this time. Changes that I'm ready for but wasn't quite expecting.

I was asked by a friend not too long ago (in a very loving way), that if I were to become involved with someone new, what was I going to do with the Sue pictures around the house?  Well, that was a very good question. At the time I said, "When the time comes that someone new has filled my heart, then I would have to respectfully put those photos away. But until that happens, those photos are the only relationship that I have." Well, now I seem to have become significantly impacted by someone very special. I think it's time for me to re-evaluate those photos. I'm definitely keeping the family photo of all of us at Jason's house .... that's a keeper! And maybe one on the fridge? This, in no way means that I'm getting rid of Sue. She will always be with me. She is part of me. She's all that's good about me and I refuse to separate from that. This new person in my life will hopefully understand and accept that. Change ... it's strange and sometimes necessary. It's exciting and a bit scary. I am at a place now, where I welcome this adventure with open arms. Wish me luck!    www.sistamonica.com/

To Make You Think

The ways of the world for me,
May not be the same as you see.
Is your reflection all that you want it to be?
... Go, be part of the change.

It bothers me, since mine was lost,
When others don't realize what they've got.
You can't always choose if you're a "have" or "have not".
... Acknowledge all your gifts.

Forever is not that far away,
And never is something you never should say,
And when all that is left, are the remains of the day
... You have to stop and think.

Happy V.D.!

Happy Valentine's Day!

I wish true love for those that haven't found it yet.  I wish for those who are in love, to show it everyday, so your partner never has any doubt about it. I wish for the resurgence of romance and chivalry. I wish there were more same-sex Valentine cards. I wish the chocolates that I eat, to support this holiday, wouldn't stick to my hips.

Valentine's Day was a big deal for Sue. Her favorite candy was Reese's peanut butter cups. I remember one year I bought a case of Reese's candy and spelled out "I Love You" in peanut butter cups! That was hard to top, but another year VD came shortly after an earthquake, so I went to the local Red Cross and bought their huge, bright red backpack filled with emergency supplies.  Hey, nothing really says I love you, quite like a family size first aid kit. Dare to be different! Think outside the box ..... it's fun!

For the record: I am very happy to report that I have a Valentine sweetie this year! Yay for me!

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!
XOXOXO

Life After Death

What I mean to say is: my life, after Sue's death, and a few, somewhat complicating factors, that have made themselves present. Let me preface this post by saying that I started writing this months ago, saved it, edited it, re-evaluated and altered it again and again, finally coming to this version. More simply stated; I've done a lot of self-analyzing around this.

1st point - The loss that I have finally come to terms with is now back to mess with my future relationships. The death of my wife is now the elephant in the middle of the room. Think about it. It's already hard enough to make friends and meet people, especially same sex attractions. And then there's this: Imagine if you were someone who was interested in me, romantically. Think of all the questions running through your head. Is she ready to date? Will I be her first after Sue? I'm I a rebound? Is she looking to replace Sue? How can I ever live up to Sue's image? Will I be accepted by her families? Do you see what I'm talking about? Are you seeing the big elephant shape taking form? They are all valid questions. They just want to know that I am mentally and emotionally ready to move forward. The subject comes up all the time. It's something that I will have to address with every person of interest. It's kind of like coming out... you don't only do it once.

2nd point - (And this is not a complaint....only an observation)  Those people closest to me, are, and will be, a bit protective of me. They love me and they just don't want to see me hurt, again. I understand this. Hopefully, they don't take it to the level of scaring anyone away. After all, this is my life after death ...it's about me.

3rd point - Those same people closest to me, want what's best for me. They want me to be happy. They want me to find someone. But, wanting those things and seeing them, with your own eyes, are very different things. What I mean by that is: my inner circle of loved one's are/were Sue's inner circle of loved one's too. And when the time comes that they see me with someone, side by side, in the arms of, etc. .......it will sting. It will hurt. It will happen. They will have to cope with that. That will be part of their healing process.

So, my life after death has gotten a bit complicated .... so be it. Whether I go two steps forward and one step back, or, one step forward and two steps back, I'm still facing in the right direction. This is a path that I'm on for the first time and I don't know where it will take me. But, this I do know: I know that I am a different Kim now. I know that whomever I'm meant to be with next will be different than Sue. I know that the dynamic of "us" will be different, but I also know that it can be just as good. I want just as good, I expect just as good and quite frankly, I deserve just as good.

My Pittsburgh Steeler's

I can't help but brag and take much of the credit for my Pittsburgh Steeler's being in the Superbowl, again!  I say "take credit" because I work very hard for my team. They exhaust me. Sometimes I feel that I've physically made each and every play myself.  For example:  I hang my Steeler flag out in front of the house every game day.  And although I have several Steeler apparel items, superstition dictates that I wear the same shirt every game day, because it helps them win.  I yell at the referees, players and coaches through my TV.  I turn up my surround sound speakers. I swing my terrible towel.  I sweat, pray, agonize, cross my fingers, and near cardiac arrest all for the sake of my team. I ignore house guests. I scare away kids on Halloween. I skip church. I'm a very dedicated and interactive fan. I have to tell them what to do, and what not to do, on each and every down. They don't always listen to me, thus the 4 losses in their 12-4 record this year. But here we are again .... in the Superbowl. I wouldn't be a true fan if I didn't believe that my team was absolutely, positively, going to kick some cheese-head wearing Packer butt this Sunday, Feb. 6th, 2011. This will be Pittsburgh's eighth Superbowl appearance and we are the only NFL team to have won 6 Superbowl titles. No other team has that many Superbowl wins and maybe this Sunday, we can add a 7th! Lucky number 7! Time to call on all my faith again. Go Pittsburgh!!!!

Happy Birthday To Me!

Happy Birthday to me!
Happy Birthday to me!
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday.....Happy Birthday to me!

"Birthday" by The Beatles
They say it's your birthday
Well it's my birthday too, yeah
They say it's your birthday
We're gonna have a good time
I'm glad it's your birthday
Happy birthday to you ....... and me too!

"Happy Birthday" by Stevie Wonder (with some minor word altering)
You know it doesn't make much sense
There ought to be a law against
Anyone who takes offense
At a day in my celebration
Cause we all know in our minds
That there ought to be a time
That we can set aside
To show just how much you love me
And I'm sure you would agree
It couldn't fit more perfectly
Than to have a world party on the day I came to be
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday

Are you sensing a theme to this post?   Hey, when you get your own blog then you can do self centered stuff like this too! Today ..... it's all about ME!  Yay!

Faith

One definition of the word faith is: The confident belief or trust in a person, idea or thing.

I use the word faith a lot in my blogs. I imagine it can mean different things to different people. You don't have to belong to any church or religion to have faith. I always had faith, even when I was not part of a church. And this time now, is probably the strongest faith that I've ever experienced and it's compiled of many things. One aspect of my faith is my religious belief. I was born and raised Catholic. I respectfully removed myself from the church process most of my adult life and then later on, I just didn't have the energy or emotional stamina to hunt down a new Catholic church that would make me feel comfortable being in it, as a gay person. One day, I randomly asked Sue if she wanted to go to church? She said yes rather quickly. It seemed we both were in need of a church visit. At a friends recommendation we visited St. Mark's Episcopal church. I still identify as Catholic but Episcopalians are as close as you're gonna get to that. It was a very warm and welcoming place to .... just be. We quickly became part of St. Mark's small but diverse family.  There are old people, young people, mixed race families, adopted families, gay couples, straight people and even a gay Pastor (although she has since moved out of state). Sue and I had always felt comfortable holding hands, giving a kiss for the "peace be with you" part, and publicly being a couple in church. We liked that feeling.  We attended marriage courses with Rev. Canon Linda. She performed the blessing of our marriage at the beach.  (We were already legally married with the state of California and we got written permission from the Bishop to have our marriage blessed by the church.) What a nice feeling it is to have your faith present and supportive at a time like that. And when Sue was going into surgery, Pastor Kate came to bless her and pray with us.  Canon Linda brought her a hand made prayer shall during Sue's first hospital stay.  And eventually, they performed last rites and the memorial service.  When you go through events like that with someone, you become very .....bonded. You've shared your most private and personal moments with them. I continue to have the support of St. Mark's community. I appreciate knowing that they are there for me. It's that community that helps feed my faith. I also have faith in the people and love and support around me. I have faith in an Almighty power that's bigger than me. I have faith in myself. I don't know how this faith thing works, but it does. I don't know the exact chain of command or route it follows.  Somehow, my faith and belief that everything is going to be fine .... makes it turn out fine. I just have faith, in faith itself. I let go and let faith take over. It works for me.

Some friends of mine bought me a rose bush in Sue's memory and I donated it to St. Mark's because it was a place that gave Sue lots of joy. (see photo above) It's planted right next to the preschool playground which is a most appropriate place.  Another piece of Sue out there, enjoying the sounds of children. It's called a Firefighter Hybrid Tea Rose and it produces a dark red rose that is so aromatic, I think I can smell it from my house. Here is it's proper description: A big super-fragrant long-stemmed rich-red Hybrid Tea is the epitome of the classic rose in many people’s minds.  That’s why there could be no better choice for the first sponsorship rose of the ‘Remember Me’ garden fund.  Each plant sold will contribute toward the fund’s effort to honor the victims of 9-11.  You’ll love the vigorous bushy plant that provides armloads of buxom blossoms.  Lots of clean green leaves keep it looking good in the garden, too.

Ahhhhh!

I ran away from home for a while today and headed to the beach. More amazing, short sleeve wearing, weather! I won't bore you with duplicate details from my last beach experience, I'll just tell you what was different with today's trip.  I took the binoculars with me today but unfortunately there were no whale or dolphin to spot.  I did get to enjoy a pod of seal traveling by and some very playful otter. A truly beautiful and majestic day! I met a stranger, who then was no longer a stranger, and he, Noey, took my picture for me to post (see above). I once again came away being relaxed and refreshed as only the ocean can do. I had a great Mexican food lunch at The Whole Enchilada just before the beach.  I always order the same thing there so, if I get one of the regular waitresses, I don't even need to order out loud ... they already know what I want.... yummy cheese enchiladas with rice & beans and the chips & salsa are the best! And guess what? I get Mexican food again tonight as I'm meeting with my posse (close friends & family) for dinner tonight.  I can do this all week but maybe I'll get the chicken tacos tonight to change things up a bit. I promise to get to church tomorrow (and now that it's written, so it shall be done) because mass will end well before the first playoff game starts! Sad but true ... I have to squeeze in church during football season.  My Pittsburgh Steelers are 1 of 4 teams left and if we beat the Jets tomorrow then we go to another Superbowl!!!!! Yay!! I have friends coming over to watch the game with me but the excitement level can makes things a bit scary.  For example, last weekend we won at the last minute, as usual ... boy this team is a heart-attack waiting to happen, and both myself and a friend of mine leaped from my coach at the same time and she was swinging her arms back in jubilation just as I was lunging forward and WHACK!  The back of her arm smacked me across the face. I do recall seeing some stars and just think what she might have done to me if she was rooting for the opposing team? My glasses are still a bit misaligned but the mark on my nose is hardly noticeable now. Ahhhh.... good times!  Anyway, wish me luck, both physically and with my team too.  GO STEELERS!!  This is all part of that self-pampering stuff I was telling you about before, believe it or not.  The "feel good" stuff. Good food, football & friends, my ocean fix, the hour long deep tissue massage I had last weekend and yes, even the tattoo - are all self-pampering for me. I'm taking care of myself .... my way.  What about you?  You can't be much good for anyone else if you don't take care of yourself first. Just do it! You'll thank yourself later :)

Counter Measures



Sue with Enrique.



Sue with her dolphin friend.

The Wound V.A.C. was countered by driving through Vasona Park to see all of the holiday lights!

Chemotherapy was countered with a trip to Valencia, Spain!

The Nasogastric Tube was countered with Blake's middle school graduation!

Jejunstomy Tube was countered with Nataly's high school graduation!


The Infusion Port was countered by meeting Enrique Iglesias!

The Ostomy Bag was countered by playing with dolphins in Mexico!

The P.I.C.C. Line feeding was countered with an endless supply of Popsicles!

Morphine Mind Games were countered with 4th of July fireworks fun!

Cancer was countered with quality family time and many memory making moments!

We encountered many speed bumps, road blocks, pot holes and detour signs on our way, but at the end of each day's journey, we always reached our destination ...... LOVE!


** Thank you Dr. Martin Luther King! **

Tell Her

Tell her that I miss her, but I'm doing fine.
Tell her that her kids are great,
Finding their way on paths that she laid.
Tell her that I've figured things out on my own.
Can she see how much I've grown?
Let her know that I listened
To her messages in the dark
And she still holds a place in my heart.
Remind her to find me because that was our deal
And what she thought would be over .... it's not.
Anything else, I'll tell her myself
Though I'm sure she already knows.

Tattoo, or not tattoo: that is the question.

Tattoos aren't for everyone. Then again, children aren't for everyone either. Well, today I am the proud parent of a new tattoo! It's my fourth, and just like my own children, they are very different and very special in their own way. Like I mentioned in a previous post, it is a phoenix.....yep, that's it in the above photo. It now lives forever on my arm. It is an early birthday present for myself. (My mother is going to kill me!) I put a lot of thought into this (mom) and I had searched for months for just the right image. It's important to me because I want, and need, that visual reminder of my own strength.  To many, myself included, a phoenix represents a new beginning, that no matter how bad (hot) things may get, I will get back up on my feet and rise out of the ashes. We all have strength and resilience, I just chose to display mine differently. I'm very pleased with it and I must give a shout out to DaWei Tattoo in Santa Clara. DaWei was almost as excited about it as I was! The passion for his work and talent showed all over him and now, on part of me too. He let me pick a DVD to watch and I was so relaxed and comfortable that at times, the hum of the machine almost lulled me to sleep.... that is, when it wasn't hurting like hell.   www.daweitattoo.com

The Phoenix as a Symbol of Rebirth

After this purification, a phoenix egg or a young bird appears, renewing the life cycle of the bird and making the phoenix virtually immortal and invincible. The phoenix also has the ability to regenerate itself when wounded.

 

Phoenix Symbolism and Christianity

The phoenix was also adopted by the early Catholic Church as a symbol of Christ, specifically relating to His resurrection. Christians claim the inclusion of the phoenix in the Old Testament based on translations of the word “chol”. The symbol of the phoenix has been further expanded to include the concept of life after death.

To quote Elvis, whose birthday is today: "that's all right mama"!

Saving Myself

When my son graduated from high school a few years ago, I told him how proud I was of him and that I must have done something right. He respectfully corrected me by saying it was he who did things right. He had made the tough choices and decisions and it wasn't always easy doing the right thing. And so, with that simple reminder:

Saving Myself

In or out
Faith or doubt
Stay or leave
Celebrate or grieve
Speak or mute
Lies or truth
Fight or flight
Wrong or right
The choices are mine
And in the end ..... I'm saving myself.

Love Stays

Death is not a good enough reason
To stop loving someone.
The love is still there.
Maybe it's placed aside, or re-categorized
But it's still there.
You can no longer be in love with her
But you can still have love for her.
And some feelings are simply untranslatable,
No ink can ever record.
Your love gets relabeled,
Redesigned and reassigned,
But it's still there,
Buried deep, set in stone, tucked away,
But it still stays.

And clearly, as shown above in one of the many notes left for me, it works both ways.